Our choices define us. They determine who we become. One decision can make or break us. One thing that isn’t a choice however is the one simple thing that we humans cannot live without. Love. We don’t choose who we love. It just kind of happens. The thing about love though is that it consumes all the senses and it can change everything. In that moment when I am faced with the person I love most in the world, I can feel the fear bubbling within me. It is not simple when trying to tell the person you love that you love them. There could be rejection, pain, anger from the person. Especially when this person is your best friend.
You could ruin it all in a single word of weakness.
The words ‘I love you’ should never be one to be kept away in the deepest parts of your mind, just sitting there undisturbed, but overwhelming every action you do. It needs to be let out. And even if you can say it, it means something different to everyone you say it to. I never anticipated the fact that those words wouldn’t be enough because she would never understand them as I do. To her, I love you was a greeting of goodbye on the telephone, a word of comfort when she was sad, a confirmation that we would stand by each other through everything…like family.
It was not like family. I have covered the hidden desires of my heart by averting those emotions into a close knit friendship, never crossing those boarders until night clouds over. In my head she is mine. In my heart she stays there and when the day comes I have to look at her and pretend that she is not everything I have ever wanted. It is times like this I wish I could rip myself open and pull out all the dangerous illusions from my headspace. It would have been easier. My life’s motto is to never hide love, inspiring the youth to be who they are and to never be afraid of expressing their feelings.
I am such a hypocrite.
I still think about her to this day. It’s been a year since she decided to disappear like smoke from my life, her memory living on just to torment me. I have asked and asked for a reason to why we have to be apart. The closure is needed for me to move on. I feel as though I cannot live my life until I put to rest the burdened wishes of there ever being a chance that she felt the same. If she tells me another painful reason I can live through it and use it to strengthen my future relationships with people. But if she tells me she was scared of her unexpected…attraction? Emotions? Feelings? Whatever it may be, and that she didn’t want to ruin us so she decided to push me away, I honestly don’t know what I’d do. There is no hope for a future between us as my parents have already made it clear that she is not welcome in my life because of past hardships she had caused me.
It is funny. I find it funny that they saw her as slowly killing me, which I admit she was, but it was for another reason. She was killing me in that I would have broken myself to make her happy. It was sucking every bit of happiness in me that I could never help her win her battles. I know now that she has to do that on her own, but could you blame me in wanting to be there when she did? Could you not let me be happy in her presence for a little while and let me suffer alone without her? It was a terrible thing that my mother had to endure when I was crying in the bathroom because of something that had happened between us. It was so raw, so new, I had no idea why I was feeling so broken when she ignored me? Why it hurt me when we sat talking like the bunch of girls we were about boys that she liked?
Yes, I was depressed. The darkness swept its way inside of me when she was not around and I absorbed everyone in its tornado of fury. I felt like there was this hole in my heart and it killed me every second when we were apart. What do you call that? I suffered. But it was beautiful. I’d gladly do it over again. I would take her shouting at me, hurting me, ripping me to pieces because at least she would be there. I made a monster out of myself. It wasn’t her. Spare her the guilt. She only needed someone to lean on and a hand to hold. I was there for her. She was there for me. Toxic was our relationship because I put everyone aside to be with her. We were possessive, jealous, a hot mess when things went wrong, utterly confused when we believed that there would be someone to save us. I don’t know if she had the same thought I did. I thought less of the fact that two amazing guys were going to come on their white horses or fall out a tree and come and help us, and more about the fact that she was saving me every day. I had someone who I could talk to about anything. Even the dark parts of myself that I always hide.
I saw the light she possessed deep within her and although she always said who would ever love her and stay with her, I would. I would stay with her. Heck, I wanted to be with her forever. I wanted to grow old with her and I detest the idea of little old me in a rocking chair one day. I saw my life in all its ups and downs with those beautiful brown eyes staring back at me like they always did. I loved all of her. She was a handful sometimes, but I would take each day with her no matter what mood she was in. I loved her in a way I had never loved anyone and will never love anyone again. There are all different types of love in this world, in its shapes and forms and intensities. But there is only one love for each of the ones we love and we shall never ever have that kind of love again for another person.
So I was a fool to try to capture the essence of her in all her splendour in words and in deeds, when really she needed to be free…from me. Maybe I will never know the real reason for her departure, but those moments we shared will last forever.