Let it kill you

“Find what you love and let it kill you.” – Charles Bukowski

Droplets started to hit the pavement and the boy looked up at the dark sky that was covered in rain clouds. He slipped his hood over his head from his black jacket and stuck his hands in his jeans pockets. He was waiting at bus stop out of town. Three buses had already drove past, but he never got on.

The pattering on the ground grew harder, the coldness shuddering through him making his lips quiver. His vision became murky as water clung to his glasses so he wiped them off with his sleeve. As he was putting his glasses back on, he spotted a figure moving towards him in the distance.

The sound of squeaky shoes hitting the ground at a quick pace made him realise who it was.
The girl that came to stand by him was just a little shorter than him and her hair was tucked under a beanie. The girl was shivering and her lips were blue. She was the girl he was waiting for. They had a plan. They would meet at this bus stop and get on a bus to a hotel that was far away from this town.

They were trying to escape and it was imperative that they hurried before their parents knew they were going to disappear. The boy put his arm around the girl’s shoulders just as a bus pulled up. They got on the bus and found a seat close to the back. It was warmer on the bus, but it was quite crowded. It was better that way since no one would pay any attention to them and it would be easier to hide. The boy sat next to the girl and held her hand. Her fingers were ice cold and she rubbed his hand with her thumb in an absentminded manner.

“Jay?” she said to him.


“Do you think my parents will know where we are going if they find us both gone?

“I don’t know. I hope not.”

He pressed his lips together and watched the buildings pass by from the window. Soon they arrived at their destination. They both got out in a rush and he held her hand to cross the street as they made their way into the hotel lobby. He took his hood down and let her hand go to walk up to the receptionist area.

He asked for a single bedroom, the cheapest one they had, and then paid for it. He didn’t have a lot of money, since his parents could track his credit cards, he just had enough to get them a place to stay and travel fair for tomorrow morning. They would leave the hotel at 5:00 AM to avoid being seen by many people, then they would take a taxi to Cape Town International Airport where they would get something to eat. After that they would book a flight until they were further away than they had ever been before. They didn’t care where they went they just wanted to leave.

“Abigail!” a voice called the girl’s name.

The girl jumped and ran to hang on Jay’s arm. The voice that called to her was her mother. Her dad followed behind her as they came towards the young couple. The girl wondered how they had found out, but then she remembered she had left her notebook on her desk without putting it away. They never came into her room so she didn’t think it would be a problem. They had only been gone for two hours and she was always with Jay at his house so she had no idea why they would want to come after her. The notebook had the hotel address in it and they must have figured out their plan. Suddenly Jay’s parents came swinging through the door as well.

“Just brilliant!” Jay huffed in annoyance that their plan was spoiled.

“What do you want?” Abigail addressed her parents.

“Why did you run away?” her mother spoke.

“You know why,” she said.

“I get that we told you to stay away from Jay, but we have our reasons. We didn’t think you’d run away with him!”

“Why? Jay is really lovely guy. You said so yourself. I don’t get why you forbade us to be together.”

“Honey, let’s just go home. We can talk about this later.”

“No!” she shouted. “I’m going with Jay no matter what you say. I love him.”

Abigail’s parents looked wearily at each other. It was Jay’s dad that stopped the silence that settled between everyone.

“Jayson, you can’t run away with this girl. She’s not right for you.”

“I don’t care what you say, Dad. I’m leaving with her in the morning. I never want to see you again,” said Jay.

“Now Jay,” his mother chided. “Don’t say things like that. Think about your future. Your career? Do you want to just throw it away on some girl from a lower class than us?”

“You always think of money, do you? I don’t care about that. We are going to be together. Now go home!” he told both his parents.

“Mom, please!” Abigail pleaded. “Let me be with him. I’m old enough to choose who I want to marry.”

“But we found such a nice boy for you,” Abigail’s mom said.

“I don’t care,” she bit.

“It’s late,” Jay’s dad addressed everyone. “We can book into the hotel tonight and sort this out in the morning over breakfast. I have a gold card for this place. Would you like me to book you into a room?”

Abigail’s mom pulled a face. “We can pay for ourselves thank you very much.”

Their parents went to the reception and booked their rooms. Jay and Abigail stared at each other in dismay. How could this happen? They went up to their rooms and Jay laid in the bed next to Abigail with the white sheets over them. He was only in boxers and a white tank. They didn’t think of bringing any extra clothes. Neither of them wanted to bring a bag. It was a decision that only made sense to them.

Running away was only for those who couldn’t handle the situation and were not able to face it. In this case, it was the desperate desire of these two lovers to be together. Their parents were both rich, but from two different classes. It was very Titanic mixed with The Great Gatsby. Jay’s parents had gained their money from old family wealth and Abigail’s parents were surgeons at a hospital that had a dubious reputation. Their parents detested each other because of their social standards and Abigail and Jay had fallen in love despite everything.

“What are we going to do now?” Abigail asked him.

“I think we need to figure out a way to leave without them knowing.”

“I don’t think that’s possible. They would expect that. That’s why they got rooms next to us. They are going to watch us closely. I wouldn’t be surprised if my mom comes knocking to check up on us.”

Jay made a noise of agreement at the back of his throat. “Yeah. There’s no way around this is there?”

“We can make a plan. We can do this. I won’t let them win.”

“Me either. But how?”

“We can’t be together because of our parents, right?”

“Yeah?” Jay moved closer to her as he felt like she had a plan brewing in her mind.

There was this glint in her pale blue eyes, it was like nothing he saw before. It was a look of mischief, but also some kind of sheer anger that crumbled her sane mind. It had been a hard two years fighting for each other.

No one would said it would this hard just to find love and keep it. Jay believed that they would be together and he would break himself trying to stay with her. He would do anything she asked. The pain she had suffered had pushed her over the edge and Jay also felt like he had enough now of his parent’s protests. Although he thought that her plan was completely insane that it was actually ludicrous, they were left with no choice. In the dim light of the hotel bedroom the lovers began their devilish plan.


Jay knocked on his parent’s room and his mother opened the door.

“Jay? Why are you up so early in the morning? It’s 2 AM. Can’t you sleep?”

“No, mom. Is dad awake? I need to talk to you both.”

“I’ll wake him up now.”

His mom woke his dad up and with a groggy voice he said, “What’s wrong, son?”

“Get dressed quickly. Abigail’s parents are coming here now to talk as well. We need to sort this out now.”

Just then the door opened and Abigail and her parents came inside. Their parents sat at the little table in the middle of the room. There was a similar atmosphere to when they had told their parents they were first seeing each other. The dullness in their eyes, the curious stares, the tension in the room that could be sliced with a knife. There was disappointment in their faces and equal tiredness from their physical bodies. They would never accept it and that was why it had to end. Permanently.

“I’ll give you one last chance to let us go,” Abigail said.

“Are you threatening us?” her mother laughed. “You really think that’s going to scare us? We are your parents. You have to do as we say. After this is all over we are taking you home and that is the last you are going to see of this boy.”

“You are right, mother. A threat won’t kill you. But this might.”

Abigail swiped the knife hidden from under her shirt that was tucked in her pants. She held the knife towards her mother’s neck and watched as her mother howled in terror.

“What are you doing? Abigail! Put this knife away now!”

“No. You have never given me a choice, now I am finally making my own to stop this once and for all.”

“Abigail! Let your mother go!” Her dad shouted in shock.

“Let me go then!”

“Fine! Fine! I’ll let you go. You can run off with that scum! Just stop putting that knife to my throat.”

Abigail laughed manically. “Now you let me be with him? You’ll never let us go. You’ll find a way to haunt us and make us come home. You’ll lock me away. I know you. We’ll probably move. You probably already made calls to go to our house in Johannesburg? No. This will be the last time you tell me what to do.”

Abigail’s eyes narrowed in determination as she sliced her mother’s throat. The blood ran down her white night gown staining it and then ran in puddles on the wooden floor. A loud shriek was heard from Jay’s mom and Abigail’s dad just sat there fear-stricken staring at his only daughter with a sort of look of unbelief and bewilderment. Jay’s dad got up from his seat and turned to Jay.

“You really love this psycho? You let her kill her own mother. What do you think will happen now?”

Jay grinned at him, a blaze of fire in his belly from the adrenaline that was sparked from the excitement of the action he was about to do. He took out his own knife that he had stolen from the hotel’s kitchen. He pointed it at his dad.

“Now I will do the same to you.” Jay stabbed him square in his chest. The knife imbedded deep into his body and when he pulled it out the knife was fully covered with his insides. The metallic smell hung in the air and Jay actually felt pleased with himself. The man dropped to the floor and his mom screamed again.

“Abigail, get your dad quickly and I’ll shut my mom up.”

“No! Please, Jay!” His mom protested, trying to get up from her seat.

He lunged for her and pierced her right in the heart. When Jay looked over he saw that Abigail had already killed her father. It was over. After they had cleaned themselves up and disposed of the bodies in an alleyway, they headed to out onto the street to get a taxi.

The sun was coming up over the mountain tops with a warm glow of yellow and orange. The sky was a joyful blue and the lovers soon found themselves eating at the airport. They boarded a plane to Hong Kong because you didn’t need a VISA. It was easy. Simple. You had to kill the things you like to get what you love. Now they were finally free.



The first time I realised I was not like everyone else was when my sister asked me what I was thinking about when I was looking into space. The truth was that I zoned out a lot, but I never thought about anything. I did not have thoughts or heard my voice a lot in my head.

It was only at night when I couldn’t sleep and was forced to talk to myself to try to convince myself to go to sleep. I’d literally be thinking about going to sleep, talking to myself that I needed to go to sleep soon. Then I was thinking about thinking about thinking about going to sleep. It was an infinite thought about thinking that infected my mind and I couldn’t sleep anyway because I thought too much.

But when it was during the day I kind of switched that part of my consciousness off that processed my thoughts and turned it into words. I drove in the car and stared out of the window not thinking about anything. My mind is a blank page, my head silent, just observing. I sometimes wonder if I am just absorbing all this information and I do not process it until later.

When I switch it on I can tell things about people that I barely know, I am an indirect observer. It scares me. I think only when I think that I have to think because I am human. Humans have thoughts. I on the other hand have too many thoughts that it kind of cancels out when I am concentrating or spacing out into my dream world.
I day-dream a lot. Pointless scenes I make up in my head to blot out my reality. Escapism is my fix of addiction since I was ten. It does not do much to aid me in life, but it actually separates me from my life.

I have this intuitive nature and I have this ability to feed off people’s emotions. Their energies were my own and I could experience their pain and empathise with them as if I was living their life. I could put myself in their situation and sometimes it overwhelmed me to be able to grab hold of their fears, their secrets without really knowing them.

I told my psychologist once that I saw myself like a box.I was a box that held everyone else’s emotions, but not my own. I felt made up of parts of everyone I had encountered. I did not feel like me. I was just a hollow shell that reflected everyone else. My emotions played off other people, like when they are happy I am happy and when they are sad I am sad. It seems normal, but it ran deeper than that for me.

I could pick up someone feeling sad in a crowded room. I could feel the depth of someone’s conflicting emotions on the bus. It was all these energies around me and I was unable to feel my own. What was me and what was the next person’s feelings?

“Why aren’t you eating your food?” My mom stops me from my inner monologue about thinking about thinking.

“I’m just not hungry,” I say.

I always eat. In fact I eat too much. I am seven kilos over my ideal weight and I feel fat. I know I am not fat, fat is a word to describe what you have not what you are, but I am fat. My cells are made up of me therefore my cellulite is made of me which means I actually am fat. I can feel the heavy weight surrounding me and inflicting this suffocating awareness of my own body.

I can practically feel every single cell filled with this thick substance that sits around my body making me a balloon filled with air. I am bloated and full. But empty. I feel so empty inside.

“She’ll eat it later,” my granny tells my mom while taking a bite of her sandwich. “She always eats.”

Yes, I say to myself, and that is why it must stop.

We exit the diner and I carry my food in a take-away bag. My head is heavy with thoughts but I cannot hear it. It is silent in my mind which means that somewhere deep inside of me I am overactive and I am waiting for myself to flood me with these intrusive thoughts late at night or when I dream.

My body does not feel like my body. Am I in my body? Am I even real if I do not even think like normal people? I am not normal. I know this. My family makes jokes about me being crazy and we laugh it off. I know that there is no such thing as normal, only the societal influence on how we are supposed to be, because no one can fit into a single category. But I know I am crazy.

This must be a disease or some type of disorder. Disorders are said to differentiate the sane from the insane. I have some theories about that. Who is to say what is a disorder or not? We are all different. There is no cookie-cut mould of what a human should or shouldn’t be.

The greatest people that changed the world were once deemed insane or mad. Madness is just a form of genius that cannot conform to society. So am I really insane or a genius in the making? We are all mad in some way. Others just reflect it more.

So here I am in my bed and I think about the trillions of cells that have too much weight in them. I think about how I need to eat less or go to gym again. My stomach is churning like a mixer as it digests my food. I wish I could drain my body of all its disgusting qualities and give myself a new body.

One that is cleansed. One that actually feels like it is mine. I pinch at my skin under the blankets. What will happen when I lose this weight? Will I feel better? I control my thoughts, I tell myself. I control what I eat. I control what I put into my body. I have control over my life. That is all it is really. Control. We live at the mercy of forces outside our control.

All we can control is ourselves.

“You’re looking better!” my friend tells me as I head into the school grounds the next day.

Did I not look better before I lost weight? I am less of a person, less healthy, or not better when I was bigger? Did being thin make me more worthy of life or acceptance?

“Thanks,” I mumble.

“Oh, Dakota, want to meet me at Burger King after school?”

That would mean eating burgers and chips. I could order a salad but then my friend would ask why am I trying to lose weight? Society wants us to be like models who are thin, but then judge those who are thin because they are only worried about their image or always trying to be better. When I am fat they tell me to lose weight. When I try to lose weight they wonder why I am only eating a salad. It’s a contradictive spiral that almost everyone falls into.

“No, thanks,” I reply and walk into class.

It smells of sweat and warm bodies and I cannot take it. I take my headphones out of my bag and place it on my head. I pick a song that I love and press play on my phone. I close my eyes and listen to the soft music.

The class is full today and I really don’t want to talk to anyone. The wooden chair I am sitting on fades into waves of music as I start to get absorbed into it.

A voice outside of my music fills my ears and I open my eyes to see a boy in front of me. He is tall and wearing a black shirt and jeans.

He looks familiar but I cannot tell from where. He has black framed glasses on and a nest of brown hair framing his face.

“Cataclysm raining down?” he says.


Then I realise he is talking about the song. Iridescent by Linkin Park. It talks about all the pain you have suffered and finally letting it go.

“Pretty much.” I smile softly at him.

“But remember what the song says: Remember all the sadness and frustration…”

“… and let it go.” I finish off for him and nod. “Yes. Exactly.”

“You’ll be okay, Dakota.”

I know I will be, I spoke in my head, then opened my eyes and started a new day.

Narnia For Writers 

BLURB: Narnia For Writers is for LGBTQ Youth and Allies included. 

This book is contains my own experiences and opinions about the rainbow community. 

[Extract from Wattpad.]

To be honest with you half my family is homophobic and I want to publish a novel one day, but as you can see on this Wattpad Account all I can write is LGBT novels. 
I don’t label my sexuality, you love who you love. But if you told my uncle that people are born gay he would kill you on the spot. That’s literally what he said to me while I was in his battered metal death contraption of a truck. I thought he would throw me out if I argued with him. 
Being in this world is not easy. I see how people in the community have to struggle to be who they are and love who they love. Coming out is terrifying! And with the world on your shoulders you feel so alone. 
But straight people who support them also get hated on and they have to hide their beliefs in love is love. No one really thinks of them actually. Heterosexual people aren’t the problem, it’s those who believe that it is wrong. 
I know many straight girls ship boys together (who doesn’t?) and many write Fanfiction about it, but does anyone stop to think about those who have to hide their writing from the world? Or those who are questioning themselves or those who support? Don’t they also live in a closet away from people who hate them? 
This is my book on #writerproblems when you can’t tell the world who you are and who you support.  
People ship everyone these days, but wait till your old school grandmother finds out! 
This is my Narnia. 
For those writers stuck in the closet. 

Space Girl 

Tired. I get so tired just floating in the atmosphere with no grounding. I don’t know where I belong. There is no air I can breathe in up here so my head is light and fuzzy. I want to scream. No one hears me. 

I’m different to those who are below me. Those with a purpose, who know who they are. I’m just a Space Girl. Confused. Drifting aimlessly along the plains of my mind. There are no strings attached to me. I don’t know where to tie myself to. This place. Or that place. Box one. Or box two. 

Labels are weak and have no hold over me. 

But will I always be in space? 

Or will I find my way home? 

How I Lost Him 

He came like a beautiful memory that I had already lived through before I met him. He was the next few chapters that I had to write. I thought he was going to be constant but he was the moon, ever slowly waning out of my life. He grew further and further away from me. I suppose you weren’t supposed to fall in love with the glow of the sun for too long you stare you will surely die. How I lost him was a reason I do not know. But the ashes that were left behind will not be swept up. I know that from this ending, a new beginning will come. The phoenix will rise again. 


First chapter extract from Wattpad. Full novel completed on 




RUBY didn’t think the first time she went to club that she would be in the arms of a girl. It was a little overcrowded for her liking – she hated small space – but the atmosphere and the music was good. The music blasted in her ears, the base shooting through her body that seemed to make the whole floor vibrate with each drop. 
Her hands were on the girl’s waist, which was clad in a tight, almost second skin red dress, and was so close to her that she could smell her perfume. Her small hands held Ruby’s bare shoulders and it was hot and sticky against her skin. The girl’s hair flowed around her head in a long dark curtain and her striking grey – green eyes captivated her. 
And her lips! Her lips were painted in kissable pastel red that was edging closer every second. Ruby glanced to her left at her friend, Elsie, who suggested they go here since Ruby had never been before. 
Elsie was dancing with her boyfriend who was giving Ruby weird looks. She had never been with a girl before. She couldn’t blame it on the alcohol since she never drank any, this was all her. She took the girl’s hand and asked her if they could go somewhere private. 
Ruby was led to a dark corner and was pushed up against it. Before she could do anything, the girl’s lips pressed against hers. Ruby closed her eyes to the sensation of soft lips moulding with hers and the new exciting feelings spreading through her body. This was better than any of the boys she had went out with. She loved kissing this girl. But right on time a pain struck her in her chest and she pushed it away as she did many times before. 
“What’s your name?” Ruby asked once they stopped to catch their breath. 
“Nina,” the girl replied. 
Just then her phone rang. Elsie  was looking for her. She kissed Nina on the cheek and headed for the entrance by the midnight street. Elsie and her boyfriend shared a knowing glance. 
“You kissed her didn’t you?” Elsie said. 
Ruby shrugged. “Yeah, but it’s not like I’ll see her again. It was just a one time thing.” 
“Maybe you’re into girls. Or bisexual?” Elsie’s boyfriend questioned. “You could never really kiss a boy before. You always pulled away…” 
Ruby shuddered at the memory. “It’s not like that. It still felt off. Like I wasn’t supposed to kiss her tonight. With all the guys it feels wrong and I get freaked out, but it’s not me. It’s because of the Trigger thing.” 
Triggers. She wished she didn’t have one. No one really talked about it to anyone so she couldn’t explain how she felt. Everyone had a Trigger, the closest thing they had to a human soul mate. They were made for each other, their bodies were drawn to them. It was why whenever you did things with someone else or had feelings for someone other than your Trigger you felt strange. You felt so sick that you pulled away every time. Ruby read a lot about human literature and it sounded so amazing to be with your soul mate. But in this world it wasn’t. Triggers couldn’t physically touch.
AFTER sleeping over at Elsie’s house for the night, she texted her overbearing brother/guardian that she arrived safely. Elsie and Ruby went to go shopping. Five shops later and they still couldn’t find anything they liked, they came across this little boutique in the corner of the mall. She saw this gorgeous gown with a long trail and lace sleeves. As she walked towards it she got bumped out the way. 
“Mine!” Elsie called. 
She chuckled as her phone started ringing Beyonce, Crazy in Love. 
“Hey Stellen,” she answered her older brother. 
“Where are you? How’s the sleepover?” 
“Great. I’m out with Elsie at the moment. Shopping.” 
Stellen was so overprotective. 
“Oh okay. Kayden got detention today.” 
“Again?” Ruby asked. 
“Yeah, I don’t know what to do with him.” 
Stellen and Kayden were biological siblings. Ruby was adopted at age four after her parents died. They never spoke of their death. There were rumours that her parents were Triggers but that couldn’t be possible. Triggers couldn’t go close to each other or their energies would connect and cause instant combustion that could destroy themselves and anyone within a five mile radius. 
Kayden was younger than Ruby and he had major issues that Stellen didn’t understand. Ruby was always the one to handle Kayden. She knew his secret. He was finding it extremely difficult to live without his Trigger. When you were younger it affected you more. Your whole body screamed for you go to them and being apart from them tore you up inside. It was effort on most days to even get out of bed. 
“Okay, I’ll come around after I’m done here,” Ruby told Stellen. 
“Thanks, R. Stay safe. Love you.” 
“Love you too,” She said and disconnected. 
When she got home Kayden had his headphones on and was playing video games in the lounge while Stellen made supper. Stellen was the mom, brother, dad and housewife. She felt sorry that Stellen had to do that all on his own. She wished that his mom was still around, but she had just vanished one day out of the blue. No one knew what happened to her. Stellen said that maybe she was kidnapped. Ruby didn’t believe that, it was just what he told himself to ease his mind.  
“Kay?” Ruby sat by Kayden.
His short hair had grown into a little nest of curls on his head and his dark eyes held a gleam of wetness as if he had previously shed some tears. She knew how painful it was. When she was younger Stellen had to sleep next to her every night just so she could sleep. She woke up screaming and crying because she wanted to be with her Trigger so bad. She didn’t think anyone understood why it was like that, it was more of a curse than what soul mates were described as.  
“What happened today?” 
“I met her,” He whispered lowly. 
Ruby let out a small gasp. “And?” 
“And…they kept her from me. They told us we can’t be in the same place as each other, but I feel her everywhere I go. School is better now that she’s here. Everything is better now that she’s here. I’m better. But we’re forbidden. It’s like you finally get what you want, but you can’t have it.” 
Ruby didn’t know what to say after that.



When will our story be written?

When will time cease to exist again? 

When will the leaves fall to the ground? 

When will you be found? 

When will our light blot out the sun? 

When will the tears disappear? 

When will my sorrown turn to joy?

When I live with Faith. 

Dripping Comfort 

It seems like a more of a memory, one that is pulled from the deep trenches of my mind. It isn’t something that has happened before, but I know it will happen. A memory I have yet to live. 

I hear the bashing of rain against the roof. A flash of light strikes and the rumbling of thunder calls to mind the idea of curling up on a couch. I follow his smile to the grey couch with blanket, our hands linking as he leads me. I’m wearing my Uggs and a thick jersey with sweat pants. I sit next to him, my head on his chest. He wraps his arms around me. I listen to the beat of his heart with the rain and I’m thrown into a calmness that shatters the darkness outside. 

What I Never Said 

I never told anyone or wrote in detail how it felt to be near you. I never explained how much I loved every second I was with you because I feel words aren’t enough. 

I keep this in my heart. I bury my desire for you in trenches no one dares to explore – I’ll never let them in. They will never know what ignites in my body when I close my eyes and remember you.

I remember you like you are inked under my skin, permanent and forever.  

I can still hear the way your breath heaves when I trace my tongue across your lips. I know the rippling action that burns inside of you when I bite and press you closer. One pull from my teeth and your strong hands clutch my legs as if you’re trying to tame the beast within. 

I recall the thump of your heart under my ear like a beat of my favourite song. I love many things about you and us and what we shared those beautiful nights. But what I love most is the way you used to look at me, the unmasked gleam of love shimmering in a light that matches the spark of a thousand suns. 
I will hold that close to me. Even if I never see you again. Even if you can never be in my arms again. And even if you can never look at me like that again. 


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