You were my happy.
I was in a movie with you where I’d finally get my happy ending.
It was perfect.
Stars and secret kisses in the dark.
A forever that I could keep.
But then you were taken away from me.
You were my happy.
I was in a movie with you where I’d finally get my happy ending.
It was perfect.
Stars and secret kisses in the dark.
A forever that I could keep.
But then you were taken away from me.
We were a beautiful song played on a piano.
Until you pulled out the ebony and ivory and made it imperfect.
You said our song wasn’t meant to be.
But in my head still lives the melody.
And you can’t take that away.
I feel a shaking in my bones
Under my skin I feel the pull and twist of the old electricity that ran through my veins at the hour of you
I hear that rumbling sound of my stomach, sick of digesting flashes of lightening that all too soon faded away.
I am hungry.
I am in need of a lasting meal and you were the last to satisfy me.
But you left.
Now I am starving and it seems that I will never again taste you in my mouth. in my blood. on my skin. in the crevices of my heart. your soul touching my soul. but never reaching it entirely.
As we loved and lived in each other, the recognition of affirmation of forever in our eyes, our chests were ripping themselves open to feast on each others presence. our life force dripping with the desire to connect.
We had no idea in that moment that it would end.
All we knew was the ever glow of light shielding us from the pain of loving one another but never being able to get that place where the tendrils of our inner beings met in harmony.
We forced ourselves into each other like two different puzzle pieces breaking to fit together.
We were a masterpiece of discord and illusions.
Six months ago
“Isn’t she just so hot?” Leah said to me.
I looked at the girl she was pointing to. The girl had long dark hair cascading to her waist and bright red lips. She was dressed in a tight dress with ankle boots.
“Yes. She is.” I commented quietly.
“Why don’t you come to my house after our last lecture, we can work on our essays together?”
Leah was studying English just like me at Greyton’s top university.
That was how we met.
“That’ll be nice. Thanks. I need your opinion on it anyway.” I smiled, returning back to my normal voice after the whole hot girl episode.
“Great.” She said, biting her apple.
I watched her mouth move over the apple as she bit it. Her jaw moved slowly when she chewed and she licked her lips on purpose.
She knew I was looking there.
Leah had on black tights and a green tank top that hugged her in all the right places. There was no doubt she was beautiful. Her skin was flawless and lightly tanned.
Her eyes were painted with eyeliner and mascara. It made her deep blue eyes blaze. Her eyes were really dark that it could be called midnight blue, I really liked her eyes.
Her hair was fawn coloured at the top and the ends were chocolate brown, dipped dyed and slightly wavy. Her lips were a lovely shade of rose pink.
I saw her cheeks flush as I gazed at her. I immediately averted my eyes and bit my lip.
“Don’t do that.” She said in a hushed tone.
Her room was white with the bed in the centre. There was a bedside desk piled with books and a lamp. On the wall there was a flat screen Tv and a collection of DVDs in a cabinet.
“Want to study first or eat?”
I looked at her like she was crazy.
“Eat.” We said at the same time.
It was a joke between us about how much we loved food.
We made our way to the kitchen and Leah got out the ingredients.
“Yum!” I looked at the pancake mix, eggs and bacon on the table.
“Making bacon pancakes. Making bacon pancakes.” She sang like Jake from Adventure Time, a show we sometimes watched.
I took out a bowl and poured the pancake mix into it, but failed badly. The packet broke and it ended up half on the table, half on me. Leah laughed.
“Can’t I trust you to be normal for once when you’re making my food?”
I stuck my tongue out. “Nope. It’s boring being normal. Besides I’m sure the tables were hungry.”
“Yeah and so are my rabid wild dogs outside , be careful I’ll feed you to them.” She warned, pointing a finger at me as she cleaned up the mess.
“Mr. Cuddles? Never. He loves me.”
Leah sighed. “What am I going to do with you?”
I smiled. My best friend, Aberdeen, and I always used to say that to each other. We’d quote the line from Garfield, ‘love me, feed me, never leave me.’
I missed Abby. She was away travelling at the moment. I couldn’t wait to tell her about my new friend.
That made me think…
Was Leah just my friend?
“Whatever you like.” I replied to Leah more confidently than I expected.
She stopped what she was doing and met my eyes. My heart suddenly started pounding against my chest. My mouth went dry and I forced myself to swallow.
She came ever so slowly towards me. With each step I thought my heart would burst. My skin crawled as she touched my arm. Her other hand came passed my hair and around my neck.
Her face was centimetres from mine, her lips dangerously close. I didn’t dare to breathe. She closed her eyes and without thinking I did too.
“I’m going to kiss you now.” She whispered.
I leaned in first.
I didn’t disagree at all as my lips touched hers, soft and cool. My hands on their own accord went to her waist to bring her closer to me. Her body melded with mine and a fire I had never known burned within me.
We pulled away to catch our breaths.
I stroked her hair like I had been aching to. I longed to know what it felt like against my fingertips. She smelled of flowers and delicious spices. I licked my lips.
I had kissed a girl … and I liked it.
Follow the rest of the story on Wattpad.com
SAME LOVE [Book One]
a way of life and set of attitudes opposed to or at variance with the prevailing social norm.
I have a voice.
But my words are not heard
Because I was told to conform
I was told to obey the rules
It was not right to question
They said I would be killed
If I spoke
I did it anyway
And now the world knows
authors notes: This was published before on another website. I took it off and decided to put it on here. This story was written because of a promise and by sharing it and writing it I keep the promise to this person even if he is no longer in my life… so this is for you.
“I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey…”
Kiss From A Rose – Seal
“Relax.” He smiled at me and placed his hand on my own that was laid on the table between us. The feel of his hand instantly calmed me, the little nerves dying down in my stomach. He closed his eyes for a moment then opened them again. “Close your eyes” He told me. And I did. Something rose within me. I didn’t know what it was, but it felt good. I was at peace. I opened my eyes again to find him staring back at me with that look that writers deem as that look that people often long for yet too little see.
“Okay.” He breathed and the milkshakes arrived in two jugs. He inspected the milkshake for a while. “I know you said a jug, but I didn’t think it was a literal jug.”
I laughed, putting my straw in. “Yes, I meant an actual jug. Like those huge beer jugs.”
He nodded and fiddled with the straw in his hands. I took my first sip and closed my eyes in ecstasy. Joe’s Diner always had the best chocolate milkshakes. I looked over at him and he was trying to suck through the straw. He turned it around and tried again. I laughed again. “What are you doing?”
“The straw is cracked on one side, so I had to turn it around,” He went in for a taste, properly this time.
“Only you would have a cracked straw.” I observed without realising that I wouldn’t actually know if he would get cracked straws. It was just something I had to say. “How come you don’t listen to real music?” I asked, since he didn’t even know who Zayn Malik was when ‘I Don’t Wanna Live Forever’ came on the radio.
“I do. I just listen to jazz mostly and church music.” New Apostolics were big on music and Jason and his family, as all Apostolics everywhere, were musically talented. Jason studied choir conducting, piano and the violin at Stellenbosch University. He took out his phone and showed me his playlist. I found some Adele, NAC (New Apostolic Church) music CD’s, and some other bands I didn’t know. I saw a Disney Album. I giggled.
“Disney? How cute. It’s got some good music, I know.” His IPhone suggested some albums and I saw The Lion King, which was crazy because I was just speaking about that song that I love from it with my sister. “Oh, the Lion King! I love number two.” Jason covered his face with his hands. “What? What’s wrong? What did I say?”
He groaned. “You did not say you like number two.”
“What? It is the best. It’s about star-crossed lovers and how family comes together in the end. Everyone accepts each other. My favourite song is that one they sing together…”
“Inupendi?” He shook his head.
“No, Love Will Find A Way.” I smiled, remembering the song.
“Oh, that song. It is a nice song. But number one is the best.” He argued with me.
“Why?” I wondered.
“It teaches children things…”
“Like what?” I retaliated. “To run away from home and to kill your uncle?”
“No!” He shouted. “No. No, that’s not what happened! He got killed by those hyenas.”
“But if Simba didn’t push him over the ledge then the hyenas wouldn’t have eaten him…”
“No!” He was trying to back his point up, but he knew I was winning with the argument. “Okay, so number two I think there was some racial things there. Cause one was darker…”
“But they came together in the end. Equality.” I laughed when I thought of my parents. “That’s like my white mom and my coloured dad. My gran freaked when she found out. I don’t believe in race. I took History so I know it’s all pseudoscience.”
He smiled warmly. “So what are you?”
“I’m a human being. But my university applications say I’m coloured so I can get in easier.”
“And your ID?”
“I think white? I’m not sure. Whatever. I don’t care about race. At least I got into Varsity College.” I thought about my student card and I thought I looked like a twelve year old, but Jason said I look like I’m twenty-four. I didn’t know how that worked since I was only nineteen. Four years younger than him.
“Tell me about your family.” I told him the drama about how I only had my immediate family since most of my family I wasn’t on speaking terms with. I shall spare you the story. “And you?” He told him his whole family tree and how in that generation there was no brother that wasn’t a priest in the church. That was amazing. I loved that he was so faithful and I could finally talk to someone about my beliefs and he thankfully believed in the same thing I do.
He squinted at the people outside the restaurant. “Is that a mannequin?” I looked where he was looking at. I bit my lip to keep from laughing. “You really are tired aren’t you? That’s an old lady who isn’t moving.”
“Oh.” He blushed. That was when I burst out laughing, almost knocking over my glass. “You’re so clumsy, it’s so cute.”
It was my turn to blush. “I’m not normally like this. I can just be myself with you. I don’t have to hold back. And yes I am clumsy. I have ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder. I have a concentration problem. I get distracted easily.” I admitted right off the bat. I wasn’t ashamed of it. And it was easy to be with him.
“Me too. I have ADHD, the hyperactive part. I could tell you had it since I can tell someone like me from a mile away.”
I smiled widely and my smile stayed like that way the whole night. We spoke some more and finally when I finished my milkshake, he gave me his. I felt so full though. I wasn’t supposed to have milk because of the ADD, it brings on the symptoms. But I couldn’t handle no milkshake in my life. “Now we need a coke to burp ourselves.” I stared at him while he called a waiter. It was so normal, so relaxed. Not awkward at all. Who said that or even suggested that? It was so amazing, just that insignificant thing, but it meant something to me. That he was comfortable with me. We drank some of the coke and after burping ourselves like babies (he was so crazy. I loved it) we went to pay and that was when the debate started.
“You know I’m giving you my half?” He was paying with card so I couldn’t pay too.
“What?” He said confused.
“I’m giving you my half of the money?”
“No, you’re not. I’m the man.”
I laughed and challenged him. “This is the new generation. Equality between men and women. I picked you up, not you picked me up to come here. Women can pay half and women can also propose too. This is the New Age.” Our waitress laughed. “That’s true.” She said.
“What???” he gasped about the proposal.
“I work now,” I continued. “So I can pay for you now. Spoil you too.”
The waitress cracked up. “That’s lovely.”
“I’ll tell you what. I will buy you sushi next time.”
He grinned. “Okay. Deal.”
Then we walked around the vacant mall to the outside and we sat under this concrete cover up with seats where the smoker’s corner was. I stood on the place where you put your feet and I stood above him, just a little taller than him. I put my arms around his neck and he placed his hands on my waist. We looked into each other eyes, the night around us fading away. I ended the blissful silence, “You know you’re not supposed to kiss before or on the first date?”
He frowned. “Oh is that so? So you wouldn’t kiss me?”
I rejected my statement as my eyes immediately flickered to his lips that were drawing nearer every second. I closed my eyes without even realising it and soon our lips were touching. I was so calm, so exhilarated at the same time. I don’t even know if I could explain to you what exactly I felt. It just felt so right. Like nothing made sense before this. It was cheesy I know, but we were cheeseballs running through romantic scenes like we have a script to follow. It was so perfect.
We pulled away. We sat down under the cover on the seats and we put out feet on the foot rest. At least we thought it was a foot rest. It worked well since I had short legs. It was chilly and Jason only had a thin t-shirt on and I had on a denim jacket so we cuddled up against each other. I never felt so at peace as when I had his arms around me and my head on his chest. We stayed like that for a while until he threaded his fingers through my hair to my neck and pulled me into another kiss. To say I had those cliché feelings was not something I wanted in this book. I wanted it to be real, but sometimes those feelings are real. It was easy. Perfect. Right. I never wanted to stop.
“Are you feeling this? I’m picking up something from you. You’re naughty hey?” He said.
“No!” I denied, smiling. “It’s not me, it’s you!”
“No, I pick up what you feel. You’re feeling this too.”
I bit my lip. “I’m an Empath. It’s you.” I thought I’d have to explain what an Empath is, but he just knew.
“Me too. My dad is a major Empath. If he’s in a good mood he can feel someone that’s sad in a crowed area away from him.” Who was this guy? “So you can’t tell me you’re not feeling this too.”
“You’re right. I am feeling it too.” I bit my lip again.
We spoke after he kissed me for the third time then had a cigarette. I didn’t mind it at all. I would kiss him with that smoke taste in his mouth. He told me I was the only person that wasn’t awkward after we kissed and for some reason that freaked me out. I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t shy or nervous or questioning anything like before. I was comfortable. I could be myself. And kissing him was something that seemed like I was meant to do because it just flowed and we were in sync and…
The whole night we struggled to wrap our heads around this feeling. What was this? What was this life? He kept repeating how it was so perfect and right and how he wanted to understand, but also that he didn’t and just wanted to let himself feel it. It was a very rare thing we had going on. To be so close to someone and feel as though you have known each other before. A soul connection with each other. Our loved the little things. The way our breaths mingled together when we went for air, the way our lips moved perfectly with each other, how when he touched me it felt like tingles on my arms.
“Oh! There is a world outside.” He joked. “How is this so right? Tell me.” He whispered against my lips.
“I don’t know.” I admitted truthfully. It was unexplainable. “It is what it is.”
He sighed heavily and held me tight. It was too much for us. It was almost overwhelming, but not consuming us in fear. We were trying to get a grip on something that our minds couldn’t comprehend what our hearts and souls were feeling. What we felt was something out of novels and romance movies. People wrote poems about this and I was a writer so experiencing this for myself was something totally different. It was too good to be true. He took me behind the concrete area and started to dance with me.
“Wait. Let’s play a song.”
He played the song, Stars Fell On Alabama by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong. We slow danced and I tried to get the hang of twirling. He made it fun though. I knocked my hand against my head and we just laughed it off. It was like out of a movie. He dipped me down and kissed me just as the song ended.
“That was a perfect ending.” I squealed.
“You just ruined it by talking.” He shook his head and I just laughed more. “Well I’m definitely not going to leave that part out for the readers.”
We went back inside and walked together back up to the food court in the mall. I was rambling on about something and he just took my hand in his. My heart jumped at that impact and I smiled while still talking. I didn’t once look down at my hands. I always did before with guys who tried to do that and it felt weird and strange. His hand was huge and mine was tiny, but somehow it worked. Even our walk together was matched. We had to purposefully walk out of sync so that it wasn’t weird. It was insane because even the out of sync walk was amazing.
I went past a bench and decided to jump on it, still holding his hand. We stopped at the end and I jumped off into his arms. He held me by my hips and then dropped me down till I was level with him and he kissed me in front of everyone. I was not someone who did that in public, but damn it was like it was just us alone. He put me on the ground and held my hand again. I couldn’t stop smiling.
“Some PDA hey?” He smirked and walked me to the outside area.
“Yeah, I don’t really do that, but with you I can.”
We went out onto the balcony overlooking the darkened houses with blinking street laps below a cloudy sky. I put my hands on the balcony railing and he put his arms around me from behind and I lifted my hands out. “Look we’re in Titanic.” He pointed at the road in front of us. “Look at those dolphins!” I laughed and he twirled me in his arms to face him. “I want to see what you look like without glasses.” He took them off and put it on himself. “Wow you are so blind.”
“Yes,” I replied. “Everything is all blurry. That tree over there looks like a monster.”
“I can see what you see and you see what I see…wait…”
I finished off his sentence. “You see what I see and I see what I see what I see now…”
“But you see what I see when you have glasses on.” He smiled and laughed, putting my glasses on the ledge. He put his fingers through my hair and looked into my eyes. His eyes bored into mine and my chest sizzled with heat. “Wow, you have such beautiful eyes.” I turned my head away with a shy smile.
He always made me feel like this. So cared for. Loved even. He stroked behind my head and I was beginning to fall asleep and then his lips was on mine and I held him to my chest with my hands on his forearms. His kiss was sweet. “My sweetheart.” he said, holding me, my ear hearing the fast thumping of his heart. “Many people say sweetheart, but I think I mean something different. It’s cheesy, but you make my heart sweet…”
“That’s so nice.” I mumbled into his chest.
“You need to think of a nickname for me too.”
He chuckled and held me harder. “I’m glad you like chubby guys.”
“You’re not chubby.”
I couldn’t see him, but I heard the smile in his voice. “I’m not.”
“Don’t you ever dare say you’re not. You’re perfect to me.”
I giggled and kissed him again. I ended up listening to him and during the conversation I looked up into his eyes and we locked gazes. He froze for a second. “What was I going to say…err…sorry. Your eyes are so beautiful. Wow. Um…” He chuckled. I smiled for the billionth time that night. It just kept getting better and better. It was so perfect. Our lips found each other again and my head started getting dizzy. The way he kissed me. The passion. I had never been kissed like that before. He drew away only to murmur, “I never want this to end.”
I nodded. My eyes lidded and chest heavy with emotions. “Me either.”
Abruptly there was a burst of music into our silent world. A song came on just at that moment and we both looked around for where it came from. There was a group of teenagers playing music in the road and I stared after them in awe.
He turned to me and shook his head in disbelief. “That is SO weird!” They had perfect timing. This night was unbelievable.
“I know!!! It’s literally like we’re in a movie. I’m going to write about this.” I was totally serious.
“You have to write our story.” He insisted. “But don’t change my name though. I’m Jason.”
“My Jason.” I concluded.
We retreated back to our spot in the smoker’s corner outside after I told him not to drop my glasses to the ground because I paid good money for that. We made out some more, the emotions swirling like an uncontrolled fire tornado.
“I can’t stop. It’s so difficult to stop.” He breathed heavily.
I responded instinctively by taking his bottom lip between my teeth and biting it. His hands clutched tightly around my waist and his breaths shook. I pulled him by his head towards me and kissed him, his tongue touching mine. My head was spinning and it felt so good. It had never been like this before. In our heat session, I didn’t even notice he had picked me by my legs and moved me so I was on his lap, my legs on either side of him.
His hands reached upwards and I welcomed the new touch. Our hands strained against our bodies, gripping, aching to control what was burning inside of us. Or maybe to fuel it, either way it was serving as a solution to our desires. Everything felt so right. Nothing was forced or wrong. That was the crazy thing. I kissed guys before and it was nowhere near this, but what was even more insane was the simple fact that I wasn’t telling myself that I should stop.
Not even a tiny part of me wanted to scold myself for doing this. Of course there was moral implications and the fact that it was only the first date and my mom would kill me if she found out anything happened, but above my rational mind there was this total oneness within my soul, heart, mind and body. Normally there was something telling me no.
My mind used to scream at me to pull away even if it was a simple kiss or hand hold. My stomach used to swarm with disgust at doing anything with anybody. I had never felt so calm and controlled and free. It was freaking me out actually. I wasn’t even thinking, I was just feeling. Nothing was out of place. It was perfect…It was something that I just knew.
I moved my head down to his neck, breathing there for a moment. He squirmed and I hadn’t even kissed there yet. “I’ve very ticklish there. But it feels good. Just the breathing…” So I kissed it lightly, licking. His grip on my body become tighter and he let out a sigh. He pulled me into a deep kiss again. My body was burning to a liquid, like I was so hot, but also I was calm and cool at the same time. I had no words for it. I wanted more.
He touched me, not just physically, but emotionally as well. Like there was something down inside of me that was awake now. That hadn’t been awake before. I had been waiting and waiting for this feeling. Now it was here. I never wanted to let anything mess this up. But I knew it couldn’t fade away. What we felt wouldn’t because it was real and true. I didn’t know how I knew that, but I did.
“I’m sorry.” He put me down. “I’m sorry. Probably going too far.” I stood up on the foot stand and looked down at him. He searched the place around us in a daze. My heart was beating so fast and I fought to catch my breath. He hugged me and I put my head on top of his. “Do you…” His voice shook. “…think you would have…you know? What are you thinking? It just…wow. It just feels so right. I don’t know. I don’t know. It’s too perfect.”
I scratched the back of his head in slow circles. It felt like a normal thing to do in a time like this. But it was normal, wasn’t it? “I know.” I didn’t know what else to say. Now I understood what my mom meant about things like this. I had to be careful. It was too fast. Too soon. Too…flipping amazing! What the hell was this?
He laughed at the situation, playing it off, easing up the thick aura of this thing that we were feeling. “I don’t know…Are you freaked out? Is this bad?”
I kissed his cheek and leaned my face against his. I couldn’t keep up. “No.” I whispered. “I…” I let out a shaky breath. “It feels so right. Like nothing can break this or ruin it. I don’t understand it either, but I don’t think it’s bad. Not at all.”
“Would you regret anything?”
I kissed his forehead. “No.” I said softly. I somehow knew that it was so easy for me to be with him, no worries or questions asked. It just felt like this was meant to be. “It’s scary. But I’m not freaked out.”
He laughed and met my eyes. “You’re freaked out about how you’re not freaked out?”
I smiled and nodded. We walked hand in hand back inside again. I told him, “My mom would probably say we moving too fast. I mean we are…but…I’ve known you what? Two weeks?”
I whirled my head towards him. “What? Don’t lie.”
“I’m serious.” He said like he couldn’t believe it either.
We went to the escalators and I remembered how when we first came down to go to the outside he went down the up escalator and he challenged me to go up the down escalator. I complied.
“I promise I’ll try not to look at your ass.”
I laughed and tried to go up. I struggled the first time and I finally made it up. I tumbled to the floor again and he caught me in his arms. I smiled up at him and he held my hand as we went down a passage where the floors were being cleaned.
“You want to do something crazy?” He grinned.
“Sure. I love crazy.”
“Let’s lay on the floor.”
A song played on the mall’s radio and I instantly loved the song. I danced a bit and we laid down on the ground and took a picture together. I put my head on his shoulder and snuggled up to him. It was incredible. We both were talkative people so the conversation never stopped and we were both the same kind of crazy which I loved.
“Hey! Get off the floor!” The cleaner shouted.
“Oh. Hi. Thank you so much for cleaning these floors so we can lie on it. You did such a good job.” He was so charming. He could persuade the pants off an Eskimo.
The cleaner laughed and left us alone. We took a few pictures and just enjoyed this time. It was like the Notebook where they laid in the road. It was unreal, but so real. If that made sense. We decided it was time to leave since we already were ten minutes late for pick up. My dad was waiting. Just as we left another song I liked came on. We stood there trying to listen to the lyrics and Jason googled it. It was Kiss From A Rose by Seal. Wow.
“I really want that other song though.” I said, swinging our hands. “I swear if we hear it again when we’re out then we know.”
He pulled me in for one last kiss before we ended the night. It was tainted with sadness on my tongue as I knew that this perfect night was closing. I missed him already. He let me go.
“You know…” he said. “We’re going to have to pretend to be friends when we go out there.”
My heart fell to my feet. I refused to pretend this time. I rejected the idea with everything in me that I had to fake like this wasn’t the most amazing night of my life and that we had something special. “No.” I averted my gaze from him. “We’re not friends. But we’re not dating yet either.” I furrowed my brows, looking back at him again. “We’re…companions.” In the beginning before all of this emotions, he told my mom he was looking for someone he could talk to, be himself with, and confide in. A companion.
It was what we were even though we both knew it was much more than that. We weren’t friends that was for sure. No normal friend felt like this. I didn’t even think of him as a friend because I felt too much.
“I like that.” He smiled. “When we go down the escalator till that point that’s where it stops.”
“I don’t want it to end.” I muttered.
“Me either.” And we went down the escalator.
We kissed again softly and we let our hands go. We got to that point. I went all gangster on him. “Dude!” I hit his shoulder and he eyed me strangely. “Buddy.” I hit him again and he rubbed his shoulder. “Pal!” I laughed harder at that. Someone said to me that pal was just another word for a secret lover. Pal meaning “hiding your affections because you are friends”.
He moaned. “This feels so weird. I want to hold your hand.”
I loved that. When we held hands it was right and when we didn’t it was wrong. This was truly something else. I crossed my arms over my chest without thinking. If you analysed that I’d have to say that it was because I was protecting myself. And maybe I was.
We were in our own eternal space when we were together and now it had to momentarily end. I was never good with endings or goodbyes. The men outside who was watching us walk around and kiss and laugh all night must have thought we had a fight or something. It was strange. We had to go back into the real world. I scoffed at that in my head. This was reality, right here with him.
“Hi Dad.” I spoke as I got into the car.
“Yeah. Hi Dad.” Jason smirked.
I loved how he called my parents mom and dad without even realising it. When we first met he already called my mom, mother. It made me smile. Again. Gosh! This was ridiculous. It was…wow. We drove home…I mean to his house. Not our house. Whatever. The house. And daddy was having a great conversation with him about his family. Our families kind of knew each other. I felt so at peace. It felt so right. Ha! I said that a lot. We dropped him off and he said when I got home he would speak to me.
“You not finished talking yet?” My dad teased.
“No.” We said together.
“Night.” I smiled. He stared at me for a long time, just staring and I wondered what he was thinking. As I drove home I really couldn’t believe what had happened. My sister woke me up the next morning with a tell-me-everything look. But then she held a mischievous grin. “You know it was just a dream right?”
I smiled at her. Not denying my feelings anymore. I knew with all my being that that couldn’t have been a dream. It was too real.
✏ | if you liked this then read the edited novel version on Wattpad.com
The Unlucky Number of Heartbreak
I can’t reach your heart that’s shielded from my view behind a glass wall.
I can’t escape this desire of intrusion into your world.
I can’t stop the need to want to know who you are.
I can’t explain the sadness of knowing you’re too far.
I know that you keep your secrets locked with a key.
I know you prefer to stay away from me.
I know that you don’t understand why I persist with you.
I know my faults of being your friend because my actions have no reason that’s true.
I know I should leave you alone but I can’t bear the thought of it.
But I shall do what’s right for the sake of my uncontrollable mind with no medical fix.
You don’t know love until the thing or person you love has been ripped from you. You don’t know pain until you have to live with it every day of your life in a vicious cycle that you can’t escape. You don’t know hate until the one that tears you apart piece by piece is standing in front of you and you have to smile like you care about them. You don’t know anger until you have to hide who you really are. You don’t know sorrow until you hold onto the only thing that keeps you going in unending tears because you can’t even stand next to them in the street. You don’t know hope until it has all died out and you have no reason left to be alive. You don’t know secrets until you have to lie your way through hell just to be able to do what you want to do. You don’t know what it’s like to be the only one that knows the truth, but then have it all taken away from you like it never existed.
I don’t know how to tell you what I know. I just know that it is not easy and one of my burdens to carry was the fact that I had to be someone I’m not, to protect a love only I knew of, to sell myself to a crowd that screamed my name when they had no idea what was really going on. I had to put myself in the limelight when the real me lived in the shadows and only in the dark was I able to breathe again for I uncovered under the covers in the comfort of my room. I shared my secret with one other person and that person was the other half of me. You have no idea what I’m talking about but I will tell the tale of how my miserable life turned into a butterfly that bloomed and finally made it to paradise. There is a way out of your troubles. It might take days, weeks, and months…..even years. But it all works out in the end. I believe that everything happens for a reason and the reason is that if it wasn’t for the love of my life I would be nowhere.
He kept me strong. With him I was strong. I never meant to tell anyone this. I never meant to show the world the whole truth at first because it had been a crime in the first place. Loving this man had brought tears to my eyes. I cannot see my life without him. We were sworn apart, having to hide our love. I told myself I’d never again feel the agony of lying and denying the truth. So this is the truth. Ignorance is bliss. Love makes you do crazy things, but it isn’t love that is wrong. It is the people that tell you it is wrong that is the real problem. Never waste a moment to tell someone you love them. Never lie about how you really feel inside. Never pretend to be someone you are not.
Never hide love.
Because I know all too well the danger of loving someone who the world told me not to.
Our choices define us. They determine who we become. One decision can make or break us. One thing that isn’t a choice however is the one simple thing that we humans cannot live without. Love. We don’t choose who we love. It just kind of happens. The thing about love though is that it consumes all the senses and it can change everything. In that moment when I am faced with the person I love most in the world, I can feel the fear bubbling within me. It is not simple when trying to tell the person you love that you love them. There could be rejection, pain, anger from the person. Especially when this person is your best friend.
You could ruin it all in a single word of weakness.
The words ‘I love you’ should never be one to be kept away in the deepest parts of your mind, just sitting there undisturbed, but overwhelming every action you do. It needs to be let out. And even if you can say it, it means something different to everyone you say it to. I never anticipated the fact that those words wouldn’t be enough because she would never understand them as I do. To her, I love you was a greeting of goodbye on the telephone, a word of comfort when she was sad, a confirmation that we would stand by each other through everything…like family.
It was not like family. I have covered the hidden desires of my heart by averting those emotions into a close knit friendship, never crossing those boarders until night clouds over. In my head she is mine. In my heart she stays there and when the day comes I have to look at her and pretend that she is not everything I have ever wanted. It is times like this I wish I could rip myself open and pull out all the dangerous illusions from my headspace. It would have been easier. My life’s motto is to never hide love, inspiring the youth to be who they are and to never be afraid of expressing their feelings.
I am such a hypocrite.
I still think about her to this day. It’s been a year since she decided to disappear like smoke from my life, her memory living on just to torment me. I have asked and asked for a reason to why we have to be apart. The closure is needed for me to move on. I feel as though I cannot live my life until I put to rest the burdened wishes of there ever being a chance that she felt the same. If she tells me another painful reason I can live through it and use it to strengthen my future relationships with people. But if she tells me she was scared of her unexpected…attraction? Emotions? Feelings? Whatever it may be, and that she didn’t want to ruin us so she decided to push me away, I honestly don’t know what I’d do. There is no hope for a future between us as my parents have already made it clear that she is not welcome in my life because of past hardships she had caused me.
It is funny. I find it funny that they saw her as slowly killing me, which I admit she was, but it was for another reason. She was killing me in that I would have broken myself to make her happy. It was sucking every bit of happiness in me that I could never help her win her battles. I know now that she has to do that on her own, but could you blame me in wanting to be there when she did? Could you not let me be happy in her presence for a little while and let me suffer alone without her? It was a terrible thing that my mother had to endure when I was crying in the bathroom because of something that had happened between us. It was so raw, so new, I had no idea why I was feeling so broken when she ignored me? Why it hurt me when we sat talking like the bunch of girls we were about boys that she liked?
Yes, I was depressed. The darkness swept its way inside of me when she was not around and I absorbed everyone in its tornado of fury. I felt like there was this hole in my heart and it killed me every second when we were apart. What do you call that? I suffered. But it was beautiful. I’d gladly do it over again. I would take her shouting at me, hurting me, ripping me to pieces because at least she would be there. I made a monster out of myself. It wasn’t her. Spare her the guilt. She only needed someone to lean on and a hand to hold. I was there for her. She was there for me. Toxic was our relationship because I put everyone aside to be with her. We were possessive, jealous, a hot mess when things went wrong, utterly confused when we believed that there would be someone to save us. I don’t know if she had the same thought I did. I thought less of the fact that two amazing guys were going to come on their white horses or fall out a tree and come and help us, and more about the fact that she was saving me every day. I had someone who I could talk to about anything. Even the dark parts of myself that I always hide.
I saw the light she possessed deep within her and although she always said who would ever love her and stay with her, I would. I would stay with her. Heck, I wanted to be with her forever. I wanted to grow old with her and I detest the idea of little old me in a rocking chair one day. I saw my life in all its ups and downs with those beautiful brown eyes staring back at me like they always did. I loved all of her. She was a handful sometimes, but I would take each day with her no matter what mood she was in. I loved her in a way I had never loved anyone and will never love anyone again. There are all different types of love in this world, in its shapes and forms and intensities. But there is only one love for each of the ones we love and we shall never ever have that kind of love again for another person.
So I was a fool to try to capture the essence of her in all her splendour in words and in deeds, when really she needed to be free…from me. Maybe I will never know the real reason for her departure, but those moments we shared will last forever.
The quiet space harbours on the idea that everything is still, but it is not. Everything else is moving around you; it is you that is silent and unmoving. Your mind for a moment has seemingly stopped from running and your focus is on one thing that you cannot tear away from until something breaks your concentration. It is the same way as noticing a butterfly and you watch it in awe of its beauty, floating around the grass and colourful flowers. You can’t think of anything besides that butterfly. When you blink everything returns to being mobile and the magic of that space is broken. That space in your mind inhibits time. But does it really? The physics of it doesn’t allow time to be slowed or hindered, but the perception of that moment where only one thing exists.
And awakening of the soul.
The touch that comes with recognising the existence of that butterfly is what creates a sense of something we cannot understand, it is not an emotion. A kind of unexplainable power that roams around your senses and strangely opens your eyes to new things. The “feeling” or term spirit, moves within all of us, every person has a personality and under that a living, breathing soul. Philosophy and Metaphysics doesn’t include this as it cannot be understood or seen. Seeing to some is believing, but that which we can see is not all there is to see and our minds haven’t access to the vast knowledge and perception of other spiritualism aspects as they haven’t had the opportunity to experience it.
We are all searching for something, a part that is missing in our lives. But there is nothing missing. We are complete beings that have just strayed away from the Truth. Faith in a higher being does not hinder the understanding of life and what is, but rather opens doors to understanding it better. Materialism takes away a lot and the ego in ourselves robs of the kind of people we should be.
“Now faith is the substance of all things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”
An eternal space that is within us that longs to be home.