1. Kiss From A Rose

authors notes: This was published before on another website. I took it off and decided to put it on here. This story was written because of a promise and by sharing it and writing it I keep the promise to this person even if he is no longer in my life… so this is for you. 

OUR STORY

“I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey…”

Kiss From A Rose – Seal

“Relax.” He smiled at me and placed his hand on my own that was laid on the table between us. The feel of his hand instantly calmed me, the little nerves dying down in my stomach. He closed his eyes for a moment then opened them again. “Close your eyes” He told me. And I did. Something rose within me. I didn’t know what it was, but it felt good. I was at peace. I opened my eyes again to find him staring back at me with that look that writers deem as that look that people often long for yet too little see.

“Okay.” He breathed and the milkshakes arrived in two jugs. He inspected the milkshake for a while. “I know you said a jug, but I didn’t think it was a literal jug.”

I laughed, putting my straw in. “Yes, I meant an actual jug. Like those huge beer jugs.”

He nodded and fiddled with the straw in his hands. I took my first sip and closed my eyes in ecstasy. Joe’s Diner always had the best chocolate milkshakes. I looked over at him and he was trying to suck through the straw. He turned it around and tried again. I laughed again. “What are you doing?”

“The straw is cracked on one side, so I had to turn it around,” He went in for a taste, properly this time.

“Only you would have a cracked straw.” I observed without realising that I wouldn’t actually know if he would get cracked straws. It was just something I had to say. “How come you don’t listen to real music?” I asked, since he didn’t even know who Zayn Malik was when ‘I Don’t Wanna Live Forever’ came on the radio.

“I do. I just listen to jazz mostly and church music.” New Apostolics were big on music and Jason and his family, as all Apostolics everywhere, were musically talented. Jason studied choir conducting, piano and the violin at Stellenbosch University. He took out his phone and showed me his playlist. I found some Adele, NAC (New Apostolic Church) music CD’s, and some other bands I didn’t know. I saw a Disney Album. I giggled.

“Disney? How cute. It’s got some good music, I know.” His IPhone suggested some albums and I saw The Lion King, which was crazy because I was just speaking about that song that I love from it with my sister. “Oh, the Lion King! I love number two.” Jason covered his face with his hands. “What? What’s wrong? What did I say?”

He groaned. “You did not say you like number two.”

“What? It is the best. It’s about star-crossed lovers and how family comes together in the end. Everyone accepts each other. My favourite song is that one they sing together…”

“Inupendi?” He shook his head.

“No, Love Will Find A Way.” I smiled, remembering the song.

“Oh, that song. It is a nice song. But number one is the best.” He argued with me.

“Why?”  I wondered.

“It teaches children things…”

“Like what?” I retaliated. “To run away from home and to kill your uncle?”

“No!” He shouted. “No. No, that’s not what happened! He got killed by those hyenas.”

“But if Simba didn’t push him over the ledge then the hyenas wouldn’t have eaten him…”

“No!” He was trying to back his point up, but he knew I was winning with the argument. “Okay, so number two I think there was some racial things there. Cause one was darker…”

“But they came together in the end. Equality.” I laughed when I thought of my parents. “That’s like my white mom and my coloured dad. My gran freaked when she found out. I don’t believe in race. I took History so I know it’s all pseudoscience.”

He smiled warmly. “So what are you?”

“I’m a human being. But my university applications say I’m coloured so I can get in easier.”

“And your ID?”

“I think white? I’m not sure. Whatever. I don’t care about race. At least I got into Varsity College.” I thought about my student card and I thought I looked like a twelve year old, but Jason said I look like I’m twenty-four. I didn’t know how that worked since I was only nineteen. Four years younger than him.

“Tell me about your family.” I told him the drama about how I only had my immediate family since most of my family I wasn’t on speaking terms with. I shall spare you the story. “And you?” He told him his whole family tree and how in that generation there was no brother that wasn’t a priest in the church. That was amazing. I loved that he was so faithful and I could finally talk to someone about my beliefs and he thankfully believed in the same thing I do.

He squinted at the people outside the restaurant. “Is that a mannequin?” I looked where he was looking at. I bit my lip to keep from laughing. “You really are tired aren’t you? That’s an old lady who isn’t moving.”

“Oh.” He blushed. That was when I burst out laughing, almost knocking over my glass. “You’re so clumsy, it’s so cute.”

It was my turn to blush. “I’m not normally like this. I can just be myself with you. I don’t have to hold back. And yes I am clumsy. I have ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder. I have a concentration problem. I get distracted easily.” I admitted right off the bat. I wasn’t ashamed of it. And it was easy to be with him.

“Me too. I have ADHD, the hyperactive part. I could tell you had it since I can tell someone like me from a mile away.”

I smiled widely and my smile stayed like that way the whole night. We spoke some more and finally when I finished my milkshake, he gave me his. I felt so full though. I wasn’t supposed to have milk because of the ADD, it brings on the symptoms. But I couldn’t handle no milkshake in my life. “Now we need a coke to burp ourselves.” I stared at him while he called a waiter. It was so normal, so relaxed. Not awkward at all. Who said that or even suggested that? It was so amazing, just that insignificant thing, but it meant something to me. That he was comfortable with me. We drank some of the coke and after burping ourselves like babies (he was so crazy. I loved it) we went to pay and that was when the debate started.

“You know I’m giving you my half?” He was paying with card so I couldn’t pay too.

“What?” He said confused.

“I’m giving you my half of the money?”

“No, you’re not. I’m the man.”

I laughed and challenged him. “This is the new generation. Equality between men and women. I picked you up, not you picked me up to come here. Women can pay half and women can also propose too. This is the New Age.” Our waitress laughed. “That’s true.” She said.

“What???” he gasped about the proposal.

“I work now,” I continued. “So I can pay for you now. Spoil you too.”

The waitress cracked up. “That’s lovely.”

“I’ll tell you what. I will buy you sushi next time.”

He grinned. “Okay. Deal.”

Then we walked around the vacant mall to the outside and we sat under this concrete cover up with seats where the smoker’s corner was. I stood on the place where you put your feet and I stood above him, just a little taller than him. I put my arms around his neck and he placed his hands on my waist. We looked into each other eyes, the night around us fading away. I ended the blissful silence, “You know you’re not supposed to kiss before or on the first date?”

He frowned. “Oh is that so? So you wouldn’t kiss me?”

I rejected my statement as my eyes immediately flickered to his lips that were drawing nearer every second. I closed my eyes without even realising it and soon our lips were touching. I was so calm, so exhilarated at the same time. I don’t even know if I could explain to you what exactly I felt. It just felt so right. Like nothing made sense before this. It was cheesy I know, but we were cheeseballs running through romantic scenes like we have a script to follow. It was so perfect.

We pulled away. We sat down under the cover on the seats and we put out feet on the foot rest. At least we thought it was a foot rest. It worked well since I had short legs. It was chilly and Jason only had a thin t-shirt on and I had on a denim jacket so we cuddled up against each other. I never felt so at peace as when I had his arms around me and my head on his chest. We stayed like that for a while until he threaded his fingers through my hair to my neck and pulled me into another kiss. To say I had those cliché feelings was not something I wanted in this book. I wanted it to be real, but sometimes those feelings are real. It was easy. Perfect. Right. I never wanted to stop.

“Are you feeling this? I’m picking up something from you. You’re naughty hey?” He said.

“No!” I denied, smiling. “It’s not me, it’s you!”

“No, I pick up what you feel. You’re feeling this too.”

I bit my lip. “I’m an Empath. It’s you.” I thought I’d have to explain what an Empath is, but he just knew.

“Me too. My dad is a major Empath. If he’s in a good mood he can feel someone that’s sad in a crowed area away from him.” Who was this guy?  “So you can’t tell me you’re not feeling this too.”

“You’re right. I am feeling it too.” I bit my lip again.

We spoke after he kissed me for the third time then had a cigarette. I didn’t mind it at all. I would kiss him with that smoke taste in his mouth. He told me I was the only person that wasn’t awkward after we kissed and for some reason that freaked me out. I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t shy or nervous or questioning anything like before. I was comfortable. I could be myself. And kissing him was something that seemed like I was meant to do because it just flowed and we were in sync and…

The whole night we struggled to wrap our heads around this feeling. What was this? What was this life? He kept repeating how it was so perfect and right and how he wanted to understand, but also that he didn’t and just wanted to let himself feel it. It was a very rare thing we had going on. To be so close to someone and feel as though you have known each other before. A soul connection with each other. Our loved the little things. The way our breaths mingled together when we went for air, the way our lips moved perfectly with each other, how when he touched me it felt like tingles on my arms.

“Oh! There is a world outside.” He joked. “How is this so right? Tell me.” He whispered against my lips.

“I don’t know.” I admitted truthfully. It was unexplainable. “It is what it is.”

He sighed heavily and held me tight. It was too much for us. It was almost overwhelming, but not consuming us in fear. We were trying to get a grip on something that our minds couldn’t comprehend what our hearts and souls were feeling. What we felt was something out of novels and romance movies. People wrote poems about this and I was a writer so experiencing this for myself was something totally different. It was too good to be true. He took me behind the concrete area and started to dance with me.

“Wait. Let’s play a song.”

He played the song, Stars Fell On Alabama by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong. We slow danced and I tried to get the hang of twirling. He made it fun though. I knocked my hand against my head and we just laughed it off. It was like out of a movie. He dipped me down and kissed me just as the song ended.

“That was a perfect ending.” I squealed.

“You just ruined it by talking.” He shook his head and I just laughed more. “Well I’m definitely not going to leave that part out for the readers.”

We went back inside and walked together back up to the food court in the mall. I was rambling on about something and he just took my hand in his. My heart jumped at that impact and I smiled while still talking. I didn’t once look down at my hands. I always did before with guys who tried to do that and it felt weird and strange. His hand was huge and mine was tiny, but somehow it worked. Even our walk together was matched. We had to purposefully walk out of sync so that it wasn’t weird. It was insane because even the out of sync walk was amazing.

I went past a bench and decided to jump on it, still holding his hand. We stopped at the end and I jumped off into his arms. He held me by my hips and then dropped me down till I was level with him and he kissed me in front of everyone. I was not someone who did that in public, but damn it was like it was just us alone. He put me on the ground and held my hand again. I couldn’t stop smiling.

“Some PDA hey?” He smirked and walked me to the outside area.

“Yeah, I don’t really do that, but with you I can.”

We went out onto the balcony overlooking the darkened houses with blinking street laps below a cloudy sky. I put my hands on the balcony railing and he put his arms around me from behind and I lifted my hands out. “Look we’re in Titanic.” He pointed at the road in front of us. “Look at those dolphins!” I laughed and he twirled me in his arms to face him. “I want to see what you look like without glasses.” He took them off and put it on himself. “Wow you are so blind.”

“Yes,” I replied. “Everything is all blurry. That tree over there looks like a monster.”

“I can see what you see and you see what I see…wait…”

I finished off his sentence. “You see what I see and I see what I see what I see now…”

“But you see what I see when you have glasses on.” He smiled and laughed, putting my glasses on the ledge. He put his fingers through my hair and looked into my eyes. His eyes bored into mine and my chest sizzled with heat. “Wow, you have such beautiful eyes.” I turned my head away with a shy smile.

He always made me feel like this. So cared for. Loved even. He stroked behind my head and I was beginning to fall asleep and then his lips was on mine and I held him to my chest with my hands on his forearms. His kiss was sweet. “My sweetheart.” he said, holding me, my ear hearing the fast thumping of his heart. “Many people say sweetheart, but I think I mean something different. It’s cheesy, but you make my heart sweet…”

“That’s so nice.” I mumbled into his chest.

“You need to think of a nickname for me too.”

“My love?”

He chuckled and held me harder. “I’m glad you like chubby guys.”

“You’re not chubby.”

“I am.”

“You’re perfect.”

I couldn’t see him, but I heard the smile in his voice. “I’m not.”

“Don’t you ever dare say you’re not. You’re perfect to me.”

“Okay, sweetheart.”

I giggled and kissed him again. I ended up listening to him and during the conversation I looked up into his eyes and we locked gazes. He froze for a second. “What was I going to say…err…sorry. Your eyes are so beautiful. Wow. Um…” He chuckled. I smiled for the billionth time that night. It just kept getting better and better. It was so perfect. Our lips found each other again and my head started getting dizzy. The way he kissed me. The passion. I had never been kissed like that before. He drew away only to murmur, “I never want this to end.”

I nodded. My eyes lidded and chest heavy with emotions. “Me either.”

Abruptly there was a burst of music into our silent world. A song came on just at that moment and we both looked around for where it came from. There was a group of teenagers playing music in the road and I stared after them in awe.

He turned to me and shook his head in disbelief. “That is SO weird!”  They had perfect timing. This night was unbelievable.

“I know!!! It’s literally like we’re in a movie. I’m going to write about this.” I was totally serious.

“You have to write our story.” He insisted. “But don’t change my name though. I’m Jason.”

“My Jason.” I concluded.

We retreated back to our spot in the smoker’s corner outside after I told him not to drop my glasses to the ground because I paid good money for that. We made out some more, the emotions swirling like an uncontrolled fire tornado.

“I can’t stop. It’s so difficult to stop.” He breathed heavily.

I responded instinctively by taking his bottom lip between my teeth and biting it. His hands clutched tightly around my waist and his breaths shook. I pulled him by his head towards me and kissed him, his tongue touching mine. My head was spinning and it felt so good. It had never been like this before. In our heat session, I didn’t even notice he had picked me by my legs and moved me so I was on his lap, my legs on either side of him.

His hands reached upwards and I welcomed the new touch. Our hands strained against our bodies, gripping, aching to control what was burning inside of us. Or maybe to fuel it, either way it was serving as a solution to our desires. Everything felt so right. Nothing was forced or wrong. That was the crazy thing. I kissed guys before and it was nowhere near this, but what was even more insane was the simple fact that I wasn’t telling myself that I should stop.

Not even a tiny part of me wanted to scold myself for doing this. Of course there was moral implications and the fact that it was only the first date and my mom would kill me if she found out anything happened, but above my rational mind there was this total oneness within my soul, heart, mind and body. Normally there was something telling me no.

My mind used to scream at me to pull away even if it was a simple kiss or hand hold. My stomach used to swarm with disgust at doing anything with anybody. I had never felt so calm and controlled and free. It was freaking me out actually. I wasn’t even thinking, I was just feeling. Nothing was out of place. It was perfect…It was something that I just knew.

I moved my head down to his neck, breathing there for a moment. He squirmed and I hadn’t even kissed there yet. “I’ve very ticklish there. But it feels good. Just the breathing…” So I kissed it lightly, licking. His grip on my body become tighter and he let out a sigh. He pulled me into a deep kiss again. My body was burning to a liquid, like I was so hot, but also I was calm and cool at the same time. I had no words for it. I wanted more.

He touched me, not just physically, but emotionally as well. Like there was something down inside of me that was awake now. That hadn’t been awake before. I had been waiting and waiting for this feeling. Now it was here. I never wanted to let anything mess this up. But I knew it couldn’t fade away. What we felt wouldn’t because it was real and true. I didn’t know how I knew that, but I did.

“I’m sorry.” He put me down. “I’m sorry. Probably going too far.” I stood up on the foot stand and looked down at him. He searched the place around us in a daze. My heart was beating so fast and I fought to catch my breath. He hugged me and I put my head on top of his. “Do you…” His voice shook. “…think you would have…you know? What are you thinking? It just…wow. It just feels so right. I don’t know. I don’t know. It’s too perfect.”

I scratched the back of his head in slow circles. It felt like a normal thing to do in a time like this. But it was normal, wasn’t it? “I know.” I didn’t know what else to say. Now I understood what my mom meant about things like this. I had to be careful. It was too fast. Too soon. Too…flipping amazing! What the hell was this?

He laughed at the situation, playing it off, easing up the thick aura of this thing that we were feeling. “I don’t know…Are you freaked out? Is this bad?”

I kissed his cheek and leaned my face against his. I couldn’t keep up. “No.” I whispered. “I…” I let out a shaky breath. “It feels so right. Like nothing can break this or ruin it. I don’t understand it either, but I don’t think it’s bad. Not at all.”

“Would you regret anything?”

I kissed his forehead. “No.” I said softly. I somehow knew that it was so easy for me to be with him, no worries or questions asked. It just felt like this was meant to be. “It’s scary. But I’m not freaked out.”

He laughed and met my eyes. “You’re freaked out about how you’re not freaked out?”

I smiled and nodded. We walked hand in hand back inside again. I told him, “My mom would probably say we moving too fast. I mean we are…but…I’ve known you what? Two weeks?”

“Five days.”

I whirled my head towards him. “What? Don’t lie.”

“I’m serious.” He said like he couldn’t believe it either.

“Wow.”

We went to the escalators and I remembered how when we first came down to go to the outside he went down the up escalator and he challenged me to go up the down escalator. I complied.

“I promise I’ll try not to look at your ass.”

I laughed and tried to go up. I struggled the first time and I finally made it up. I tumbled to the floor again and he caught me in his arms. I smiled up at him and he held my hand as we went down a passage where the floors were being cleaned.

“You want to do something crazy?” He grinned.

“Sure. I love crazy.”

“Let’s lay on the floor.”

A song played on the mall’s radio and I instantly loved the song. I danced a bit and we laid down on the ground and took a picture together. I put my head on his shoulder and snuggled up to him. It was incredible. We both were talkative people so the conversation never stopped and we were both the same kind of crazy which I loved.

“Hey! Get off the floor!” The cleaner shouted.

“Oh. Hi. Thank you so much for cleaning these floors so we can lie on it. You did such a good job.” He was so charming. He could persuade the pants off an Eskimo.

The cleaner laughed and left us alone. We took a few pictures and just enjoyed this time. It was like the Notebook where they laid in the road. It was unreal, but so real. If that made sense. We decided it was time to leave since we already were ten minutes late for pick up. My dad was waiting. Just as we left another song I liked came on. We stood there trying to listen to the lyrics and Jason googled it. It was Kiss From A Rose by Seal. Wow.

“I really want that other song though.” I said, swinging our hands. “I swear if we hear it again when we’re out then we know.”

He pulled me in for one last kiss before we ended the night. It was tainted with sadness on my tongue as I knew that this perfect night was closing. I missed him already. He let me go.

“You know…” he said. “We’re going to have to pretend to be friends when we go out there.”

My heart fell to my feet. I refused to pretend this time. I rejected the idea with everything in me that I had to fake like this wasn’t the most amazing night of my life and that we had something special. “No.” I averted my gaze from him. “We’re not friends. But we’re not dating yet either.” I furrowed my brows, looking back at him again. “We’re…companions.” In the beginning before all of this emotions, he told my mom he was looking for someone he could talk to, be himself with, and confide in. A companion.

It was what we were even though we both knew it was much more than that. We weren’t friends that was for sure. No normal friend felt like this. I didn’t even think of him as a friend because I felt too much.

“I like that.” He smiled. “When we go down the escalator till that point that’s where it stops.”

“I don’t want it to end.” I muttered.

“Me either.” And we went down the escalator.

We kissed again softly and we let our hands go. We got to that point. I went all gangster on him. “Dude!” I hit his shoulder and he eyed me strangely. “Buddy.” I hit him again and he rubbed his shoulder. “Pal!” I laughed harder at that. Someone said to me that pal was just another word for a secret lover. Pal meaning “hiding your affections because you are friends”.

He moaned. “This feels so weird. I want to hold your hand.”

I loved that. When we held hands it was right and when we didn’t it was wrong. This was truly something else. I crossed my arms over my chest without thinking. If you analysed that I’d have to say that it was because I was protecting myself. And maybe I was.

We were in our own eternal space when we were together and now it had to momentarily end. I was never good with endings or goodbyes. The men outside who was watching us walk around and kiss and laugh all night must have thought we had a fight or something. It was strange. We had to go back into the real world. I scoffed at that in my head. This was reality, right here with him.

“Hi Dad.” I spoke as I got into the car.

“Yeah. Hi Dad.” Jason smirked.

I loved how he called my parents mom and dad without even realising it. When we first met he already called my mom, mother. It made me smile. Again. Gosh! This was ridiculous. It was…wow. We drove home…I mean to his house. Not our house. Whatever. The house. And daddy was having a great conversation with him about his family. Our families kind of knew each other. I felt so at peace. It felt so right. Ha! I said that a lot. We dropped him off and he said when I got home he would speak to me.

“You not finished talking yet?” My dad teased.

“No.” We said together.

“Night.” I smiled. He stared at me for a long time, just staring and I wondered what he was thinking. As I drove home I really couldn’t believe what had happened. My sister woke me up the next morning with a tell-me-everything look. But then she held a mischievous grin. “You know it was just a dream right?”

I smiled at her. Not denying my feelings anymore. I knew with all my being that that couldn’t have been a dream. It was too real.

✏ | if you liked this then read the edited novel version on Wattpad.com 

@Iridescentforever

The Unlucky Number of Heartbreak

BEHIND A WALL

I can’t reach your heart that’s shielded from my view behind a glass wall.
I can’t escape this desire of intrusion into your world.
I can’t stop the need to want to know who you are.
I can’t explain the sadness of knowing you’re too far.

I know that you keep your secrets locked with a key.
I know you prefer to stay away from me.
I know that you don’t understand why I persist with you.
I know my faults of being your friend because my actions have no reason that’s true.
I know I should leave you alone but I can’t bear the thought of it.

But I shall do what’s right for the sake of my uncontrollable mind with no medical fix.

Illusion

You don’t know love until the thing or person you love has been ripped from you. You don’t know pain until you have to live with it every day of your life in a vicious cycle that you can’t escape. You don’t know hate until the one that tears you apart piece by piece is standing in front of you and you have to smile like you care about them. You don’t know anger until you have to hide who you really are. You don’t know sorrow until you hold onto the only thing that keeps you going in unending tears because you can’t even stand next to them in the street. You don’t know hope until it has all died out and you have no reason left to be alive. You don’t know secrets until you have to lie your way through hell just to be able to do what you want to do. You don’t know what it’s like to be the only one that knows the truth, but then have it all taken away from you like it never existed.

 

I don’t know how to tell you what I know. I just know that it is not easy and one of my burdens to carry was the fact that I had to be someone I’m not, to protect a love only I knew of, to sell myself to a crowd that screamed my name when they had no idea what was really going on. I had to put myself in the limelight when the real me lived in the shadows and only in the dark was I able to breathe again for I uncovered under the covers in the comfort of my room. I shared my secret with one other person and that person was the other half of me. You have no idea what I’m talking about but I will tell the tale of how my miserable life turned into a butterfly that bloomed and finally made it to paradise. There is a way out of your troubles. It might take days, weeks, and months…..even years. But it all works out in the end. I believe that everything happens for a reason and the reason is that if it wasn’t for the love of my life I would be nowhere.

 

He kept me strong. With him I was strong. I never meant to tell anyone this. I never meant to show the world the whole truth at first because it had been a crime in the first place. Loving this man had brought tears to my eyes. I cannot see my life without him. We were sworn apart, having to hide our love. I told myself I’d never again feel the agony of lying and denying the truth. So this is the truth. Ignorance is bliss. Love makes you do crazy things, but it isn’t love that is wrong. It is the people that tell you it is wrong that is the real problem. Never waste a moment to tell someone you love them. Never lie about how you really feel inside. Never pretend to be someone you are not.

 

Never hide love.

 

Because I know all too well the danger of loving someone who the world told me not to.

 

Fools

Our choices define us. They determine who we become. One decision can make or break us. One thing that isn’t a choice however is the one simple thing that we humans cannot live without. Love. We don’t choose who we love. It just kind of happens. The thing about love though is that it consumes all the senses and it can change everything. In that moment when I am faced with the person I love most in the world, I can feel the fear bubbling within me. It is not simple when trying to tell the person you love that you love them. There could be rejection, pain, anger from the person. Especially when this person is your best friend.

You could ruin it all in a single word of weakness.

The words ‘I love you’ should never be one to be kept away in the deepest parts of your mind, just sitting there undisturbed, but overwhelming every action you do. It needs to be let out. And even if you can say it, it means something different to everyone you say it to. I never anticipated the fact that those words wouldn’t be enough because she would never understand them as I do. To her, I love you was a greeting of goodbye on the telephone, a word of comfort when she was sad, a confirmation that we would stand by each other through everything…like family.

It was not like family. I have covered the hidden desires of my heart by averting those emotions into a close knit friendship, never crossing those boarders until night clouds over. In my head she is mine. In my heart she stays there and when the day comes I have to look at her and pretend that she is not everything I have ever wanted. It is times like this I wish I could rip myself open and pull out all the dangerous illusions from my headspace. It would have been easier. My life’s motto is to never hide love, inspiring the youth to be who they are and to never be afraid of expressing their feelings.

I am such a hypocrite.

I still think about her to this day. It’s been a year since she decided to disappear like smoke from my life, her memory living on just to torment me. I have asked and asked for a reason to why we have to be apart. The closure is needed for me to move on. I feel as though I cannot live my life until I put to rest the burdened wishes of there ever being a chance that she felt the same. If she tells me another painful reason I can live through it and use it to strengthen my future relationships with people. But if she tells me she was scared of her unexpected…attraction? Emotions? Feelings? Whatever it may be, and that she didn’t want to ruin us so she decided to push me away, I honestly don’t know what I’d do. There is no hope for a future between us as my parents have already made it clear that she is not welcome in my life because of past hardships she had caused me.

It is funny. I find it funny that they saw her as slowly killing me, which I admit she was, but it was for another reason. She was killing me in that I would have broken myself to make her happy. It was sucking every bit of happiness in me that I could never help her win her battles. I know now that she has to do that on her own, but could you blame me in wanting to be there when she did? Could you not let me be happy in her presence for a little while and let me suffer alone without her? It was a terrible thing that my mother had to endure when I was crying in the bathroom because of something that had happened between us. It was so raw, so new, I had no idea why I was feeling so broken when she ignored me? Why it hurt me when we sat talking like the bunch of girls we were about boys that she liked?

Yes, I was depressed. The darkness swept its way inside of me when she was not around and I absorbed everyone in its tornado of fury. I felt like there was this hole in my heart and it killed me every second when we were apart. What do you call that? I suffered. But it was beautiful. I’d gladly do it over again. I would take her shouting at me, hurting me, ripping me to pieces because at least she would be there. I made a monster out of myself. It wasn’t her. Spare her the guilt. She only needed someone to lean on and a hand to hold. I was there for her. She was there for me. Toxic was our relationship because I put everyone aside to be with her. We were possessive, jealous, a hot mess when things went wrong, utterly confused when we believed that there would be someone to save us. I don’t know if she had the same thought I did. I thought less of the fact that two amazing guys were going to come on their white horses or fall out a tree and come and help us, and more about the fact that she was saving me every day. I had someone who I could talk to about anything. Even the dark parts of myself that I always hide.

I saw the light she possessed deep within her and although she always said who would ever love her and stay with her, I would. I would stay with her. Heck, I wanted to be with her forever. I wanted to grow old with her and I detest the idea of little old me in a rocking chair one day. I saw my life in all its ups and downs with those beautiful brown eyes staring back at me like they always did. I loved all of her. She was a handful sometimes, but I would take each day with her no matter what mood she was in. I loved her in a way I had never loved anyone and will never love anyone again. There are all different types of love in this world, in its shapes and forms and intensities. But there is only one love for each of the ones we love and we shall never ever have that kind of love again for another person.

 

So I was a fool to try to capture the essence of her in all her splendour in words and in deeds, when really she needed to be free…from me. Maybe I will never know the real reason for her departure, but those moments we shared will last forever.

Of Eternal Space

The quiet space harbours on the idea that everything is still, but it is not. Everything else is moving around you; it is you that is silent and unmoving. Your mind for a moment has seemingly stopped from running and your focus is on one thing that you cannot tear away from until something breaks your concentration. It is the same way as noticing a butterfly and you watch it in awe of its beauty, floating around the grass and colourful flowers. You can’t think of anything besides that butterfly. When you blink everything returns to being mobile and the magic of that space is broken. That space in your mind inhibits time. But does it really? The physics of it doesn’t allow time to be slowed or hindered, but the perception of that moment where only one thing exists.

 

 

Space.

 

And awakening of the soul.

 

The touch that comes with recognising the existence of that butterfly is what creates a sense of something we cannot understand, it is not an emotion. A kind of unexplainable power that roams around your senses and strangely opens your eyes to new things. The “feeling” or term spirit, moves within all of us, every person has a personality and under that a living, breathing soul.  Philosophy and Metaphysics doesn’t include this as it cannot be understood or seen. Seeing to some is believing, but that which we can see is not all there is to see and our minds haven’t access to the vast knowledge and perception of other spiritualism aspects as they haven’t had the opportunity to experience it.

 

We are all searching for something, a part that is missing in our lives. But there is nothing missing. We are complete beings that have just strayed away from the Truth. Faith in a higher being does not hinder the understanding of life and what is, but rather opens doors to understanding it better. Materialism takes away a lot and the ego in ourselves robs of the kind of people we should be.

 

“Now faith is the substance of all things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

  • Hebrews 11: 1

 

An eternal space that is within us that longs to be home.

Poisoned Youth

We are the poisoned youth.

Being thrown into the dungeon of life that shackles and feeds off of our flesh and sucks us dry of our humanity.

Society is a cruel monster that eats away at our souls like incubi living off of our life force.

They make us eat more because we look like a pale figure with only skin and bones.

They make us eat less because we have more body weight then the social media Barbie dolls.

They make us crouch into a corner, shield our faces from the world, because everyone is laughing at us because we’re a little a bit different than what is considered ‘normal’.

This life we live is an endless façade of smiles and laughter, with many nights filled with the fume of sighs and blackened lungs degraded from all kinds of harmful substances that make us feel like we’re alive.

Because in this world that shames and names and compares, we just want to feel human.

When we touch that emptiness inside and breathe it in like air, we need to learn to see the world in a better way.

So we cut and drug and drink and sniff and sing and shout and tear and jump.

But no one hears us.

They send us to houses of madness, therapists, and put us on medication that we just throw up or overdose on.

Our heads are in a haze, the scenery blurry and tainted with sorrow that slowly kills us every day.

We do things to help us survive, but we’re not really living.

We’re just going through the motions of the mechanics that we were taught.

Empty people. Distant faces.

It’s all a temporary high.

One day it will end.

But it won’t end unless we choose to end it ourselves.

Punisher

 

(Currently writing this while in my bed wearing my Punisher T-shirt from Marvel.)

 

Thoughts pierce my mind like a dagger through my spine. The cold echoes of torment place ice in my bones while the lighter parts race to chase out the darkness enshrouding me. The flutter in my chest weakens me to the point of giving up since the emptiness where my heart should be keeps me from wanting to carry on. I always believed love heals, love saves, and love makes you happy. It isn’t love that I have a problem with. It’s the wrong kind of love that people perceive as love when in fact it other things entirely.

 

It is the idea that you are in love. The universal idea of love is treacherous in its efforts to instil in the mind of the believer that it will cover you in this quilt of warmth, a love beyond the sky, an all saving force. Most of it is true. Love is the only thing that we humans need in order to survive in our social relations…to not feel alone. The fact of the matter is that if it is not what we see in the romance movies or unlike the perfect novel we read we tend to blame love when love is not the issue. It is people that have forged our mind set on what love actually is.

 

We punish ourselves for the love we feel and we punish ourselves for the love we don’t when it doesn’t go our way.

 

That is why I am in constant turmoil in my state of mind for I don’t know what is real and I don’t know if I am in love or just the feeling of being in love. What is love? Romantic love…The love we feel for our partner. That emotional and spiritual bond. Where does it fade to? Where does it last? Will someone who I am connected to ever stay or will they continue to teach me lessons of going away?

 

Punisher. Punisher. Punisher.

Almost Is Never Enough (1)

Almost Is Never Enough: Chapter One

 

 

I didn’t think I’d see her again. After all this time wishing she was close, now she was standing in front of me. Her face still the same as the day she left and her eyes continued to have that invisible wall that I used to see through. I knew she had changed. I knew she wasn’t the same girl she was when we were in high school. No, my best friend was gone and that was exactly the reason why I didn’t want to see her.

 

 

The world began to turn faster as she stepped towards me and gave me a hug. Her arms around me created a familiar warmth to enter my chest and send little prickles of nerves towards my stomach. My throat closed up when I caught her scent. It felt like home. I always loved being in her arms. I pulled away quickly.

 

 

“What are you doing here?” I managed to say after my brain had been trying to compute the reality that this woman was before me.

 

 

“I…I had to see you.” She whispered, her dark eyes meeting the ground.

 

 

Something about her voice made me want to run back inside the house and lock the door. This girl was and always will be the cause of my destruction. She hurt me too many times before and I’d be damned if I let her do it again. Her voice was mature, but it had the same chime that I loved. There was something special about her, even if not many people saw it. Maybe it was the mystery about her that I got to unlock that made her so enticing. Maybe it was the love and care I thought she had for me or maybe it was the fact that everything about her was absolutely beautiful because I was still desperately in love with her.

 

 

“Why now?” I asked her. “Why did you decide now after five years to come and see me? Did you finally want to come and explain to me why you left me? Why you just woke up and decided that you didn’t want to be friends anymore?”

 

 

She rolled her lip between her teeth and sighed. “You know it’s not that simple.”

 

 

“What’s not that simple?”

 

 

“It’s not that simple to explain, Elaine. I changed. I thought it was better to leave you when I did then have to carry on pretending…”

 

 

“Pretending you didn’t want to stay with me anymore?” I finished off for her.

 

 

“No.” She clicked her tongue in annoyance. “I didn’t want to pretend I was the same person that you knew anymore. I know it was hard on you, it was hard on me too. But you of all people know that people change.”

 

 

Yes. I knew the cruel reality of change. The inevitability that someone you love will not be the same person you love forever. They changed and you were left standing on the side lines waiting for them to come back. Someone leaving because of a personality change was a normal thing for me, I should be used to it.

 

 

“I know that. Okay? I just don’t understand why the person you are now requires you not be friends with me now?” I spat.

 

 

Why did she leave me? She was the last person I ever wanted to lose. After my dad left, she was my anchor. She kept me stable, she made me feel alright again. I got through it because of her. When she hurt me or started to ignore me, I gave her space. I was the clingy, needy one out of the two of us, but she was the possessive one. I loved how she only wanted to be with me. When she began distancing herself in that month before I left for England, I fought for her to stay. I didn’t anticipate her dropping me like that. When she left I was alone. She was the only one I could talk to. I needed her.

 

She didn’t answer my question. Instead she did what Stephanie Miller was good at: changing the subject.

 

 

“Look the reason I am here isn’t to talk about the past. I came here because I need your help.”

 

 

Years and years of thinking of ways to try and fix a lost friendship, then years and years of trying to forget it, she waltzed back into my life because she needed something from me. And although after all of it I wished she had never appeared on my doorstep that day, I knew that no matter what I would always be there for her. It was a promise we were both supposed to keep.

Honor Killing

The smoke wafted towards the ceiling as I inhaled the last bit of cigarette. I leaned myself forward to kill the bud in the ashtray next to me on the floor. I moved back to my position and pressed my head against the wall, closing my eyes to the relaxing music on the radio. The sounds of the violins washed over the pain that I felt deep within my chest and reminded me of happier days. Days where I was in the presence of Sam. We would laugh, we would go crazy talking about the next chemistry test and what would we do if we bunked again? He said he loved the way my eyes sparkled when I suggested something exciting. It hadn’t been my intention to find myself in this position, these kinds of things just kind of happened. I had no idea that his attraction to me would turn romantic.

 

It was last week Sunday, today was Thursday, and we had been drinking. Sam invited me over to listen to the cassette I had just received from my brother who had been sent off into the war. We imagined we were with him in the trenches, on the frontline, shooting Nazi soldiers in cold blood. Oh, how unlucky we were to be stuck in school because someone had to pay the bills while our parents were off wrecking their marriages like it was an everyday job. We were mumbling about the stars and estimating how many of them there were. Sam collapsed on the bed with me and laid his head innocently on my shoulder. I stroked his hair absently and told him that no matter the stars in the galaxy, he’d always be the shining light in my dark world.

 

It was completely cheesy I know, but he looked at me like his heart had stopped when I said it. He leaned in and kissed me. A strange feeling awoke in me. It wasn’t what I had expected. Kissing him was like kissing a girl, but better. I found myself enjoying the vague taste of smoke and cheap liquor on his tongue. Too soon I pulled away though. I knew that it was wrong. Boys weren’t supposed to kiss boys. I had told him off in a fit of anger that I never wanted to see him again. He pleaded with me. Begged. A man begging another man to be with him! How pathetic. I had merely kissed back in curiosity and he thought I was some queer! Those romantic feelings I felt towards him were only the result of our close friendship and the fact that I had never received love from either of my parents. That had to be it.

 

In my drunken haze, I smashed the bottle over his head. Blood dripped down his white shirt in all its vicious glory, awakening me to my sense. I knelt over his crippled body, crying as I tried to stop the bleeding. It didn’t stop. It just kept pouring and pouring like an open tap. His last words were that he loved me and that he forgives me. I could never forgive myself for this. For kissing him. For ruining what we had. Once his body was found and I was held in custody, I revoked my initial statement that I was with him that night voluntarily. I told the court that he led me into his house to seduce me and that he got me drunk to the point where I had no idea what was going on. I rejected him and that was true at least. They pardoned my sentence as I was heterosexual and he was not. It was honour killing.

 

He said he forgave me and I accepted that. But I would not forgive myself for that moment of weakness where I had lost my best friend. Feelings destroyed all that was good. Would we ruin it all just for love? No. There was no such thing. Only fools fall in love. I lifted my hand into my pocket and took out another cigarette. I pulled out the lighter with a few drops of blood stains on it. Sam wasn’t going to miss it. I brought the lighter to my lips and flicked on the flame. As the smoke travelled again towards the ceiling, the trumpets on their last note rang out like shots fired in the darkness as the world fell into a blissful silence.

 

 

Because Lyrics

 

Fighting for the chance to tell the world

Fighting for the cause that seems so small

But love is something to celebrate

We sold our souls and we were kept in a cage.

Now is the time to show the truth

From the first time it was always me and you

Although everyone never knew

 

 

Waking up beside you I feel so alive

And every moment with you I can fly

Never leave my side

Forever we make it

Always right

 

 

Cause love is love

No matter what

Cause heart and heart

Means us together

Cause soul meets soul

Now we’re complete

Cause with us it’s golden

And we’re never pretending again