It seems like a more of a memory, one that is pulled from the deep trenches of my mind. It isn’t something that has happened before, but I know it will happen. A memory I have yet to live.
I hear the bashing of rain against the roof. A flash of light strikes and the rumbling of thunder calls to mind the idea of curling up on a couch. I follow his smile to the grey couch with blanket, our hands linking as he leads me. I’m wearing my Uggs and a thick jersey with sweat pants. I sit next to him, my head on his chest. He wraps his arms around me. I listen to the beat of his heart with the rain and I’m thrown into a calmness that shatters the darkness outside.
I never told anyone or wrote in detail how it felt to be near you. I never explained how much I loved every second I was with you because I feel words aren’t enough.
I keep this in my heart. I bury my desire for you in trenches no one dares to explore – I’ll never let them in. They will never know what ignites in my body when I close my eyes and remember you.
I remember you like you are inked under my skin, permanent and forever.
I can still hear the way your breath heaves when I trace my tongue across your lips. I know the rippling action that burns inside of you when I bite and press you closer. One pull from my teeth and your strong hands clutch my legs as if you’re trying to tame the beast within.
I recall the thump of your heart under my ear like a beat of my favourite song. I love many things about you and us and what we shared those beautiful nights. But what I love most is the way you used to look at me, the unmasked gleam of love shimmering in a light that matches the spark of a thousand suns.
I will hold that close to me. Even if I never see you again. Even if you can never be in my arms again. And even if you can never look at me like that again.
As Alice in Wonderland told us,
“Sometimes forever lasts just one second.”
And that split second is what roams our minds day in and day out. We live in that forever, but it only exists in our memories.
Love, the forever kind of love, comes and goes. I don’t think you were meant to keep it. That kind of love is rare and you’re supposed to fight for it.
But for me is seems futile when he tells you that yes, we had a forever but only a taste. Yes, it feels so right but it’s not meant to be.
I try to explain what I feel. I’m a writer, I’m supposed to convey what I feel into words. But there’s something about this. this.
I always listened to the lyrics that spoke to me, or found a song with a nice beat and melody.
But there’s something about this one song that moves my soul to the core.
I close my eyes and keep them closed for the duration of the song. For the first time I feel the music and I got rhythm. I tap my foot to the beat, my whole body swaying on its own accord. I’m absorbed into this other world.
I smile like someone is sharing a secret with me that they haven’t told anyone before. knowing that I get to hear it fills my body with an electric feeling. I feel the music under my skin. I breathe the verses. My hands move like a conductor, vibrating with the sounds of the instruments.
I am one with everything.
I have never felt this before.
That’s what it’s like, isn’t it?
When you truly connect with the music it gives you this otherworldly sensation.
When you find someone who gives you the same feelings music does, that’s when you found someone special.
That’s when it’s worth something.
I’m a Princess. I need a Prince.
But with you I was a Queen and I was seen like a thousand jewels in your eyes.
To me you were my King. High above the rest.
To them you were a pauper that wasn’t deserving of my royalty.
You were my happy.
I was in a movie with you where I’d finally get my happy ending.
It was perfect.
Stars and secret kisses in the dark.
A forever that I could keep.
But then you were taken away from me.
We were a beautiful song played on a piano.
Until you pulled out the ebony and ivory and made it imperfect.
You said our song wasn’t meant to be.
But in my head still lives the melody.
And you can’t take that away.
I feel a shaking in my bones
Under my skin I feel the pull and twist of the old electricity that ran through my veins at the hour of you
I hear that rumbling sound of my stomach, sick of digesting flashes of lightening that all too soon faded away.
I am hungry.
I am in need of a lasting meal and you were the last to satisfy me.
But you left.
Now I am starving and it seems that I will never again taste you in my mouth. in my blood. on my skin. in the crevices of my heart. your soul touching my soul. but never reaching it entirely.
As we loved and lived in each other, the recognition of affirmation of forever in our eyes, our chests were ripping themselves open to feast on each others presence. our life force dripping with the desire to connect.
We had no idea in that moment that it would end.
All we knew was the ever glow of light shielding us from the pain of loving one another but never being able to get that place where the tendrils of our inner beings met in harmony.
We forced ourselves into each other like two different puzzle pieces breaking to fit together.
We were a masterpiece of discord and illusions.
Six months ago
“Isn’t she just so hot?” Leah said to me.
I looked at the girl she was pointing to. The girl had long dark hair cascading to her waist and bright red lips. She was dressed in a tight dress with ankle boots.
“Yes. She is.” I commented quietly.
“Why don’t you come to my house after our last lecture, we can work on our essays together?”
Leah was studying English just like me at Greyton’s top university.
That was how we met.
“That’ll be nice. Thanks. I need your opinion on it anyway.” I smiled, returning back to my normal voice after the whole hot girl episode.
“Great.” She said, biting her apple.
I watched her mouth move over the apple as she bit it. Her jaw moved slowly when she chewed and she licked her lips on purpose.
She knew I was looking there.
Leah had on black tights and a green tank top that hugged her in all the right places. There was no doubt she was beautiful. Her skin was flawless and lightly tanned.
Her eyes were painted with eyeliner and mascara. It made her deep blue eyes blaze. Her eyes were really dark that it could be called midnight blue, I really liked her eyes.
Her hair was fawn coloured at the top and the ends were chocolate brown, dipped dyed and slightly wavy. Her lips were a lovely shade of rose pink.
I saw her cheeks flush as I gazed at her. I immediately averted my eyes and bit my lip.
“Don’t do that.” She said in a hushed tone.
Her room was white with the bed in the centre. There was a bedside desk piled with books and a lamp. On the wall there was a flat screen Tv and a collection of DVDs in a cabinet.
“Want to study first or eat?”
I looked at her like she was crazy.
“Eat.” We said at the same time.
It was a joke between us about how much we loved food.
We made our way to the kitchen and Leah got out the ingredients.
“Yum!” I looked at the pancake mix, eggs and bacon on the table.
“Making bacon pancakes. Making bacon pancakes.” She sang like Jake from Adventure Time, a show we sometimes watched.
I took out a bowl and poured the pancake mix into it, but failed badly. The packet broke and it ended up half on the table, half on me. Leah laughed.
“Can’t I trust you to be normal for once when you’re making my food?”
I stuck my tongue out. “Nope. It’s boring being normal. Besides I’m sure the tables were hungry.”
“Yeah and so are my rabid wild dogs outside , be careful I’ll feed you to them.” She warned, pointing a finger at me as she cleaned up the mess.
“Mr. Cuddles? Never. He loves me.”
Leah sighed. “What am I going to do with you?”
I smiled. My best friend, Aberdeen, and I always used to say that to each other. We’d quote the line from Garfield, ‘love me, feed me, never leave me.’
I missed Abby. She was away travelling at the moment. I couldn’t wait to tell her about my new friend.
That made me think…
Was Leah just my friend?
“Whatever you like.” I replied to Leah more confidently than I expected.
She stopped what she was doing and met my eyes. My heart suddenly started pounding against my chest. My mouth went dry and I forced myself to swallow.
She came ever so slowly towards me. With each step I thought my heart would burst. My skin crawled as she touched my arm. Her other hand came passed my hair and around my neck.
Her face was centimetres from mine, her lips dangerously close. I didn’t dare to breathe. She closed her eyes and without thinking I did too.
“I’m going to kiss you now.” She whispered.
I leaned in first.
I didn’t disagree at all as my lips touched hers, soft and cool. My hands on their own accord went to her waist to bring her closer to me. Her body melded with mine and a fire I had never known burned within me.
We pulled away to catch our breaths.
I stroked her hair like I had been aching to. I longed to know what it felt like against my fingertips. She smelled of flowers and delicious spices. I licked my lips.
I had kissed a girl … and I liked it.
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SAME LOVE [Book One]
a way of life and set of attitudes opposed to or at variance with the prevailing social norm.
I have a voice.
But my words are not heard
Because I was told to conform
I was told to obey the rules
It was not right to question
They said I would be killed
If I spoke
I did it anyway
And now the world knows